whooshi's Journal

Holiday data
Oct 13 2008 20:20

8-13-8 JG Bennett is onto something in his 1949 book, What are we Living for? and it's apparent Dr A buys into it, given the practices he suggests for me.  I can’t paraphrase most of it yet. But one metaphor Bennett presents resonates with me: an mechanic standing over and watching an engine.  The author posits it’s not quite enough simply to watch, to practice non-attachment as an end in itself, to acquire self control.  But control may mean several things, not least the habit or operation of fear, as well as adeptly practicing non-attachment, which is exceeding difficult skill to acquire.  It comes from persistent ability to direct attention thus to withdraw attention from a given stimulus in order to avoid responding to it.  This practice presents a means for weakening undesired emotional states or reactions, for whatever reason one chooses to detach from the emotional site.  However… his arguments are not crystal clear to me yet, but this practice may not result in control of one’s emotions and can cause self deception.  The bottom line is that emotion is “one of the decisive factors in determining the behaviour of the physical organism,” so you can’t be free until you have the ability to manifest the appropriate emotion to any chosen behavior.  In other words, it's tough not to act automatically and from unconscious emotions.  Impartial observation is necessary, but, as Paul observed, that which I would I do not.  (I repeat that often enough myself, and it sounds almost hopeless to me, at the moment.)  (pp 49-52)

Back to p. 49, Bennet says ordinary people have practically no conscious control over their emotional states, which derive from automatic associations and formed habits colliding with passing stimuli of external situations.  We take the consequent aversions and desires to be the natural expression of our own being.  If they then collide with some other mental attitude, the outcome (consequent action, reaction, behavior) of the resulting conflict will depend on accidental factors, such as fear of consequences or dependence on other people’s opinions.

That makes sense to me, so my data du jour from the last few hours follows:

    I went shopping with my spouse this morning and bought a new appliance then went to lunch at the very buffet I had foresworn yesterday.  I ate a cookie that  I “decided” I would not eat.  I chose a couple of entrees of questionable nutritional value.  I felt the point at which I was full and ate another plate of food—salad—“because it was good for me.  (So right, Paul!) 

       While out, I felt happy to be with my husband, grateful to have money to spend, glad to get some exercise, delighted at the taste of food—positives.  Negatives—I felt angry that my husband didn’t have his phone on when I tried to meet up with him again, though I did not express it to him; I felt angry that Macy’s pricing is unfair to fat people; I felt annoyed at one Macy’s clerk for whiny job inadequacy, at another one for literally groaning when she had to fetch the appliance for us, and at a third for verging on rudeness while he “helped us.”  I felt sad when I saw my flabby thigh skin over hard muscles in the dressing room, and disappointed that I couldn’t find jeans to fit in any department of the store, then disgusted over “wasted time.”

        We looked for a salad shop before we went to the usual, and I kidded myself that I would get a salad there.  I ate the high cal stuff first, then the salad.

         At home, I tested the new toaster oven by making toast, and I feel disappointed with the purchase.  So I “taste tested” the toast and that made me want to eat more, so I ate cashews and dried berries and drank coffee, although I was not hungry, over the course of an hour.  I also feel tired, drained (it’s 3 pm now.)   I’m dehydrated from the coffee and nuts, my stomach is too full; I want to take a nap.  And all my plans to clean the house this weekend are about to evaporate.  I think I’ll go to the goodwill store and look at jeans—instead of a bike ride or a walk or cleaning.  I think I’ll take my Klonapin.  And think about breathing and my feet.  I feel like that mechanic looking over the engine.

  It's 8:40 now and I "did the right thing(s)."  Went to Goodwill, got 3 pairs of jeans that fit and look good for less than one at Macy's and complimented the excellent service of the clerk.  Ran for an hour then walked the dogs.  Practiced "dividing attention during the run and encouraged my mind to refocus from distractions of chatter, memories, and symbols pretty consistently for an hour.  The image of the mechanic standing over the engine has stayed with me, helpfully.

 I finally vacuumed the downstairs.  Dinner was light leftovers. Showered, and now have a bit of time for contemplation and reading before I go to bed.  A good holiday, I'd say.