replenish's Journal

Reality
Oct 10 2008 22:17

I binged again..that's 3 days in a row and to make matters worse I purged a little afterwards. The bloating just felt too overwhelming so I just wanted to make it better faster. I didn't throw up a whole meal, though I know this is not a good road to follow. I think it's becoming more of a problem now cause every school day I eat normally and I feel fine (though I eat a little extra in bf now cause of the "metabolism issue") but when I come home I just go crazy and shut off my brain. Today was ice cream, homemade meals, bowls of cereals, whole grain tortilla, 3 boiled eggs, 2 potatoes, 3 vegetable pork buns and a cup of cappuccino. I'm freakin' stuffed and didn't even care for doing homework or studying. Food has taken over my life, I feel depressed all the time and so much more gloomy than usual. I just want to hide in my room and never meet the outside world ever again. I want to hide my hideous belly from society and just be by myself. I don't feel like socializing at school as much now. I just want to cry. The reason I binge is because of low self-esteem and I feel like I just don't deserve to be on this earth, I'm useless and worthless. I'm throwing away my gifts and not even caring the slightest for my education anymore. WHY? It's because of food, the feeling of being full. I bottle up my emotions and instead of confessing them I use food as an alternative. I just feel so....useless. At times during this phase I'm in, I just want to end my life. What's the point if I'm going to live like this? My future is in jeopardy and I can't seem to control myself. I don't have any friends that I can trust enough to talk me through this.. well maybe I just don't want to talk about it. Fcuk, this really sucks. It's bringing me downhill and impacting my life. It's not an issue about weight anymore but my emotions about myself in general. (my appearance) I really wish I was skinny now. Not skinny to the bone like Jimmy but fairly slim like Susan or Wendy. Shiet. I hate this so much. I really wish there was someone there for me but I don't know who to trust. Makes me want to transfer schools.. I don't even know if God is there for me. Will he really just help me if I pray? After I lost faith in him my life just crumpled up like a piece of recycled paper. Fcuking stomped on, shiet on, and torn up into pieces.

I just can't wait any longer for David or Mathew so I'm just going to buy the whole system tomorrow at Shopper's World or I'll bike to Heartland tomorrow. I don't care if it costs more, I just want it as soon as possible.(PS2 and DDR)

My personality changed drastically I can tell by the way I'm so self-centered now using "I,me,my" in so much context. I hate that. FCYUUUK. -emo corner- Tomorrow's going to be a new day and a new beginning. So I will try my damnest to eat properly and within limits. Drink tons of water from what I ate these past 3 days and just keep food out of my mind.

Exercise like crazy too. BB gonna go regain my confidence back.

                                                                                                                 -MayShi.