replenish's Journal

Ugh.
Oct 08 2008 05:54

I've gained back 2 lbs, probably because of the day before yesterday's horrible binge. x____x i ate around 3000 calories or more that day. I did it in such a short period of time too, it disgusts me. It was the WORST binge I ever had. I just kept stuffing my friggin face with whatever I could find. I could have done more damage by eating more unhealthier things like more cookies (though i ate 4) or pizza but I mostly binged on starchs. Thinking back I started my day off regularly with: Bowl of Special K, Carrot, Peanut butter sandwich (2 slices), then it went downhill from there, rice w/chicken and green leaf, 4 cookies, 3 bowls of cereal, cheese and celery wholegrain tortilla, wholegrain bread (2 slices) with peanut butter, 4 biscuits, TNT bun, homemade macoroni and cheese, watermelon. I probably ate more than that but this is what I can rememeber.The next day I had a really bad stomachahe and had to shiet alot...it was on my mind the whole day that I just wanted to go home. I think the reason for the binge was my undereating the day before where I tried to make up for overeating (not binging) only consuming around 900 calories. But that was only one day of undereating and then the next I'm binging 2000 calories in one sitting? I'm afraid of my love/hate relationship with food I'm starting to develop. I was never like this before...If I never learned about dieting and trying to lose weight I would have never got into this state that I'm already in. Which is worrying about my weight everyday and counting my calories to an extent that I should never go over 1500. The days I do are very minimum but I always think I underestimate my intake. Usually I end up around 1300 calories and afraid to eat anymore, if I do I just start binging. It's so frustrating.. Even now I'm thinking on going on a binging spree or just eating something. I don't know if I should be eating or not.. I fear more of undereating than overeating that's what bugs me the most.

In the summer I always had time to exercise but since school started my schedule is very messed up and I eat right away after I come back from school. I have no time to exercise. In the summer I exercised almost everday for at least an hour but now I can barely make it 3 times a week. That's why I want to get DDR, lol. I know it won't really help me lose many calories but it's a more fun alternative form of exercise. I'm also desperatly wanting to get some hiphop dance lessons.. ugh. I hate my life. I never feel proud of myself because of what I'm doing to my body. I'm taking food for granted and it's become a part of my life as more than a source of energy. I just have to stop when I feel satisfied and block it out of my mind. I think the fact that I binge is the stress of not being loved. I feel isolated and nobody seems to like me. My self-esteem has really taken a toll on me...