eerica's Journal

i feel unbelieveably ew.
Nov 22 2008 16:16

sorry if this post doesn't make any sense, i think i'm kinda doped-up on pain meds still.

i had jaw surgery yesterday, and i actually feel so bad. my face is swollen, no matter how much water i drink i still feel incredibly dehydrated, my face is frozen, i can't speak really, my nose keeps bleeding, my lips and neck are swollen too, swallowing feels like the hardest task in life right now, i have to stay home from school for 2-3 weeks, i can't go to the gym for 2-3 weeks, i'm on a liquid diet for 6 weeks, and i just wanna be knocked out for the whole time.

my birthday is in 5 days, and christmas is in a month and 3 days.. and i won't even be able to eat for either occasion. and the SHITTIEST part is that i checked my weight.. and i'm up 3 lbs from yesterday morning, before i had the surgery. i feel so fat, ugly and bloated, i could just die. i hope the 3 lbs is just extra water, stuff from the iv, and the swelling.. and i hope it dissapears fast, and i hope to lose alot of weight. i was 141 yesterday morning at like 7 am, and i was 144 at like 2 pm when ic ame home today.. and i hope to be 135-130 by the time the 6-week liquid diet is up?

i'd be lying if i said i didn't hate my life right now, but i know it could be worse.

an update, on life.
Nov 19 2008 05:25

alright, i haven't been posting as much lately, or writing any journal entries, i've been incredibly busy.. so i'm just gonna re-cap all the important stuff.

1. it's my birthday on the 27th :)

2. i'm having jaw surgery on the 21st (friday!) and i'm gonna be on bedrest for 2-3 weeks, so i guess no going to the gym? but i doubt i'll be eating anything, just drinking liquids. i'm SO not looking forward to it.

3. i had a slip-up this week, but not my usual slip-up. i didn't binge; i restricted. i didn't eat for 3 days, but i'm happy to say i snapped out of it. i felt like i was going to keel over, i don't know how on earth i managed to eat that little for 8 months straight.

4. i haven't binged in 3 days :)

5. and i'm down to around 138! only 18 lbs to go!

YEEEE.

possible reasons behind my ed.
Nov 09 2008 17:04

i keep drawing all sorts of different conclusions as to why i developed an eating disorder, and i think that instead of just changing my mind and naming one cause, i should list every possible cause.

1) growing up, my sister was a nightmare for my parents and all they ever used to tell me was "don't be like your sister", "you're my good girl" and "you're perfect".. so i constantly tried to please them in every way i could.

2) as a child i was overweight, and i felt that i was being a bad kid by being fat, and that my parents would consider me to be just like my sister because i was fat (even though she wasn't fat).

3) i was always fat, and i felt it made me abnormal and strange. all i ever wanted was to fit in with everybody else.

4) i was made fun of alot as a kid by other kids at my school because i was fat.

5) i fell in love (even though he turned out to be my worst nightmare), and i didn't want to embarass him infront of his friends or let him down by being fat (even though he was and is still fat).

6) my sister verbally abused me alot as a child and told me i was fat, ugly, dirty, and stupid.

7) i just started to hate my life so much that i tried to starve myself away until i was invisible and didn't have to deal with it anymore.

8) my dad died when i was 12 (i'm not sure if this even contributed to my eating disorder, by my counselor seems to think so).

9) everytime something went wrong, i always blamed it on my weight, and i still do this.

10) i was always the "fat friend".

i'll add more as they surface in my brain.