bananee's Journal

maintained
Oct 13 2008 10:13

Well I do not mind maintaining rather than just gaining gaining gaining. I mean eitehr way I doubt Ill gain crazy amounts of weight on 1,600 sedentary (what I SHOULD be eating if im not active). I do want to strength train, so Ill at least fit in some 10-20 minutes of strength training and see what I can do about doing cardio...Im scared , I cried yesterday, just you know, wondering where will this gaining stop, and I dont mind if its stops at 115 (my weight before ED) because I always maintained that weight no matter what I ate. I remember having tons of food before, and never gaining much weight...maybe a few pounds up and down...at the most 118 for my 5'4'' figure is just perfect. I found some pics of me of when I was 115...God I was NEVER fat...My boyfriend saw me and he was like "where is that girl? I want her back! she's absolutely stunning, she's the girl I fell in love with"...and I felt real shitty. I know that slowly tho, Ive been accepting my weight more and more...I still wish I could stay around 108-110...but for now Ill concentrate on being healthy. I was so lucky to be able to maintain a weight of 115 at my height so easily...meaning, I really am naturaly slim :) and I need to take taht to my advantage now that Im young...(once Im older ill get fat lol i know so!) my mom also was very thin until her mid 40's that she had surgery and all her reproductive organs were removed...I felt sorry for her because that caused an hormonal imbalance that she cnat get rid of (she wants to take no pills for this) so she ends up gaining weight like crazy..but she doesnt care...I do though...because my grandma was obese....and she died of a heart attack..and whats scary is that my mom keeps saying that she'll also die young (my grandma died at age 58)  of the same reasons (my family from my mother's side has a history of heart disease and hypertension....absolutely ALL my family from her side have died from blood pressure complications....all strokes and heart attacks...geez) oh and from my dad's side...they all have problems with the thyroid and also with diabetes hahaha great stuff I have in my genes people.

Im calm...I feel at peace...though at moments ED comes back to hunt me, I cry, and then push him away...because I struggle a LOT....but its something I gotta do..and I kow Ill never get fat, not by the way Im taking care of myself so yeah.

Also there's been stuff thats been bugging me thats not weight related....my dad is supposedly  going out again with the woman that abused me psychologically for 5 years of my childhood life. I cried a lot yesterday. I blame her for all my low self esteem issues. My nutritionist and psychologist blames her for my ED as well...meanign for that past traumatic event in my life. She used to make me go into a bathroom, and lock me up inside if I did something she didnt like (not something that was wrong for a kid to do). She called me ugly, a pig...said that I was fat...and undeserving of gifts and goodies. I was only 8 years old when it all started...so yeah...and thats not even half of the stuff she did to abuse me.

wtvr its a sad story that brought consequences because I was a very confident 8 year old before that...I had lots of friends, was popular, and all that stuff...pretty, very girly like....and yeah....a few years of this and you turn into a shy, low self esteem girl thaat thinks she's fat and unworthy of everything for the rest of her life..

blah enough

Im gonna focus on me now....my inner happiness...and being that girl my boyfriend fell in l ove with..because its who I am, and who I was made to be....there's no one else out there like me, and thats something to love.

I love me

-xo