bananee's Journal

things are looking up
Nov 22 2008 11:45

Im ready :)

2 days.

3 days
Nov 21 2008 10:16

and Im out the door...

I feel silly thinking "well Ani, 3 more days in this body and then its over" I dont know how to feel about the physical aspect...and I worry about the emotional as well. I am focused on being healthy and enjoying my week... but its hard.

110 lbs is not that far away though..andI think that as long as I keep myself a bit active and tone up just the slightest bit, I can definitely live the life I desire.

Wish me luck everyone.

I want this I really do, and I want to feel normal....

up 3 pounds lol
Nov 20 2008 10:17

this is by far the most I've gain in a binge in a while...I hate it but hey....I know its gonna flush out slowly in these last 4 days before I leave on my trip on tuesday.

Then I estimate that I can gain around 3 real pounds not just water and food weight, on my trip....which = a very good thing.

After this I hope to maintain for a while wtvr weight I carry with me then...and think about weight loss on January...and doing things the right way.

Today I had a little surprise when I woke up...

I spotted today...yes...sorry tmi...butI spotted and I dont know whether to be happy or confused or what! I havent seen blood down there in a couple of months, maybe nearly 3 so its a huuuuuge relieve (this means my prolactine levels dropped back down from where they were!) but I dont know whether to feel concerned or what about this...maybe Im finaly doing things right and 1,600 is the number I need to eat to maintain this weight for sure...ah god, let this be so...not to mention that I've had a couple of bad foods these past few weeks...maybe that helped.

I hope that its not only spotting, and that its an actual period! we'll see!

p.s.

I won't lie...I felt like restricting today.....but I won't do it. I won't gain a pound from this....so I just have to keep my cool.

today's goal :1550 or more.

have a great day everyone.

EDIT: aw shucks...it was only spotting. Very little spotting. Kind of sad, really. Don't know if to think that I'm doing things right or not...since it's not a real period. Oh well...at least I leave on my trip next week, meaning that if weight is the issue here, it most surely will get fixed within the next few weeks.

I hope. I rather not have to take BC...but if it's completely necessary...then I guess I just have to suck it up :/

agh
Nov 19 2008 21:52

not such a good day

ended up going out and having burgerking (a whopper with the fries and diet coke) nto that bad...then had candy..and then sort of binged on 4 toasts with margarine....bah...I dont feel great but its no biggie...back to normal tomorrow.

I had eaten 1570 cals today..and then the burgerking meal and extra

Im gaining weight next week anyway so might as well get used to the idea.

:

5 days!
Nov 19 2008 13:10

and SUPER content!

My results are within normal ranges! :) YES!

Im sooooo much more at ease to know this....I cant wait til next week..my fear is sort of still holding on there but not as much as before :)! so phew...biiiiig relieve hehe

100poundwannabe - the  lab tests were to check my hormone levels to see if I have PCOS.One of my hormones was apparently really high but it was all mistake..its within normal ranges so Im calm :)

ah god...I think these next few weeks are going to be heavenly..or at least Im keeping my fingers crossed :):):):):__)

6 days left
Nov 18 2008 12:06

and Im excited to say that I might have been wrong about one of my lab tests :) and the hormones I thought were out of whack are actually on the norm! ah god please let this be so!

 Im visiting my doc tomorrow and asking about it...it could've been a mistake with one of the machines that printed the results, cos one of the papers show thats its within normal and the other one shows the reference values at 0 so the machine automaticaly said it was high when it really isnt...so complicated but thats what my dad said! and he's a doc....though I need to make sure...so wish me luckkkkkkkkk!!!!

7 days
Nov 17 2008 10:48

thats all I have to say.

still nervous..anxious...very stressed out about coming back and you know..that stupid fear in my head....but Im dealing with it as best as I can.

have a great day everyone

only a few grams
Nov 16 2008 10:40

down again.

8 days and 23 hours :)

Down a bit
Nov 15 2008 11:41

as expected because of food weight and what not.

Im feeling a tad bit better and more faithful about being able to lose weight after I gain...and hoping that this crazy nonesense of thinking Ill gain too much and that it wotn stop is just in my head.

110 lbs here I come :) ONE MORE WEEK! and Im gone! 9 days and 21 hours to be exact.

here's a little something I found...some inspiration songs for people recovering from ED's

http://www.gerisrecoverymusic.com/lyrics.html

<3

108
Nov 14 2008 11:36

back to 108 :) today I felt happy to see that number on the scale actually.  I know again that its not real, its food weight from yesterday little treats at 10 pm...but it feels good that to see that number I feel relieve in a way, instead of panicking and feeling "fat" when thats obviously nowhere close to being fat. I leave now in 10 days, and Im very happy for that. Im still scared that Ill gain and gain after I come back like crazy and not be able to maintain, but ofcourse, that hasn't happened to anyone, everyone stops at a certain weight, and Im sure I will too, though I hope its not too high, I know I can work to get that weight down. The fear of not being able to lose weight is pretty much still there, but Im being hopeful that I dont gain past 115 and that it stops there.

We'll see.

I walked a bit on my treadmill today but I was a tad bit disappointed....it doesn't have a motor which I thought wouldn't be a big deal, but I noticed that this treadmill is like basicly on an incline all the time because of the fact of having no motor, and you have to work a bit harder to walk normaly...which makes me upset because I wanted a machine I could just walk in n ormaly without much work or hassle, and not even notice the time going by....bah..

Ill have to wait til next year to get me one of those good machines of about 200 euros or more :/ Ill have to wait. For now this one will have to do. I did barely 12 mintues and got off cos I got kinda pist lol but Ill prolly try and do 10 more minutes a bit later in the day. To not make this such a big deal Ill work out on it every 3 to 4 days, 3 being the minimum per week, so that I at least keep myself lightly active. I have to work on my calories as well, but Ill work em up slowly with time.

I really hope things go well for me for now on...*crosses fingers*

we'll see.

take care everyone.