*GOALS*

i think, for now, i'd like to just stop GAINING weight. i have not been using calorie count and after a frustrating stint with weight watchers, i have become pretty overweight and feeling more and more like the emotional eater i used to be. i am ready to begin my life again and get healthy.

i was in the 180s for a few years before gaining and losing the same ten pounds over and over, until this last time, i let myself balloon up to 206 pounds. that's a 26 pound gain for me since january of 2008. medication changes probably didn't help me out any, but i have to fully take responsibility now and get myself back on track.

i really miss my old body.

MY STORY UP TIL NOW

i've been up and down a lot. i am currently using the weight watchers program to help me

lose the last of my weight. i have already lost 100 pounds since 2006. i lost that [retty quick, and since i have maintained between 180 and 199. due to some medication changes, i have gained more weight than i would have liked, so i am tracking and calorie counting again. [it works!] i hope to start a new workout program and see some of my efforts whittle down my waist. i don't believe in good and "bad" foods or anything. mostly, these days, i try and just be careful and mindful, without berating myself with what i can and cannot eat. i have done this gig and it's unrealistic to think you can "only" have this food or that amount of calories for the rest of your life. not saying you have to gain weight, i just feel like the act of deleting food and cals from our daily existence is not something everyone can do full time forever.

i am an artist. i have ran races and i have sold works. the things i have accomplished are amazing to me. once i was so down and out, i didn't really think i'd live passed the age of 30. but now i am much better and much happier. i am not as thin or in shape as i was a year ago, but then again, i am not depressed either. if anything, i am usually stressed over the amount of work to be done on any given day. i have a solo show coming up in houston in february that i want to be in shape for! that is my goal. that is my motivation. i want to have my first solo art show at a gallery and wear a knockout dress and some super high heels.

vanity may be at the heart of why i want to lose weight, but i also have a daughter who needs me as a good role model, i have dogs who expect walks everyday and i have a doctor to prove wrong- that i CAN be off blood pressure medication one of these days! all of this aside, i simply like to feel good about myself and in control. trying not to obsess... well, that's a whole other story.