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So, I am a nerd who loves dumb humor. Send any and all dopey jokes that you know...to put a smile on everyone's face.
Mine (true story): So I am driving with my friend and we pass a huge corn field in the middle of July. I say, "Hey look, Corn stalks!" and she replies, "Corn stalks? That's funny, cause they don't stalk me!"
Ah I love puns.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
Original Post by gingerkabureck:
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
Why is it that one made me laugh the most? XD
When he notices the daily special is split pea soup, his favorite, he says he wants it instead. The waitress yells into the kitchen, "Hold that turtle and make it pea."
__
Why'd 6 cry?
Because 7 8 9
(seven ate nine)
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
To which the lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
This one is bit long winded, but the first time I heard it I chuckled for days....
A duck walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender & says "Can I have some grapes please?"
The bartender says "This is bar, we don't sell grapes".
The duck says "so I can't have a grapes?"
"No this is a bar. If you want grapes go to the supermarket"
"Oh" Says the duck & leaves.
The next day the duck goes into the same bar, up to the bartender & says "Can I have some grapes please?"
The bartender says "This is bar, I told you yesterday we don't sell grapes".
The duck says "so I can't have any grapes?"
"NO!" says the now irritated bartender.
"Oh" Says the duck & leaves.
The third day the duck goes into the same bar, up to the bartender & says "Can I have some grapes please?"
"Look I told you yesterday & the day before This is a bar! We DON'T sell grapes!"
The duck says "so I can't have any grapes?"
Really annoyed now the bartender says "NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY F**KING GRAPES & IF YOU COME IN TOMORROW ASKING FOR GRAPES I'LL NAIL YOUR F**CKING BEAK TO THE FLOOR!!!"
"Alright. Chill out! I only wanted some grapes" says the duck & leaves.
The forth day the duck goes into the same bar & up to the bartender. Before the duck can say anything the bartender says "Please. Just don't say it!"
"Hang on" says the duck "you don't know what I'm gonna say yet"
The bartender sighs "Go on"
Duck - "Have you got any nails?"
Bartender - "No"
Duck - "Can I have some grapes please?"
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"
A thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months.
favorite pun:
Ghandi walked
barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and
hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person.
Furthermore, due to his odd diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
ok this is long but bear w/me, it was one of my grandfather's favorite joke
A man and his young son are driving down the road when a rabbit jumps out in front of them and is hit by their truck. The young boy is very upset so dad decides to turn back and bury the bunny. They get back to the scene of the accident and dad is getting a shovel out of the back of the truck when another vehicle pulls over and a guy jumps out and asks, "what's going on?"
Dad explains what happened and that he's going to bury the rabbit. The guy says, "wait, I have something that might help." he goes back to his vehicle and comes back w/a spray bottle. the father and son watch in confusion as the strange fellow starts spraying the rabbit all over. Suddenly to the little boys delight the rabbit jumps up and starts hopping away, all the time waving until they can no longer see him.
The dad turns to the guy and asks what's in the bottle. He replies, " Hairspray, permanent wave."
Original Post by alylou:
favorite pun:
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his odd diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Oh I love this.
snowballs!
What do you call a guy or gal with no arms or legs:
On the wall: Art
On the floor: Matt
In the water: Bob
Behind a boat: Skip
In the toilet: Ralph
On the stove: Stew
In the garden: Rose
In a forest fire: Bernie
In A Quarry: Rocky
Electrician: Sparky
Under a car: Jack
I have more, but that is enough for now...
I can't remember where I heard this, but it makes me laugh so hard....
This old man was sitting at a mall's food court with his son, eating pizza. The man had to be at least 60, if not closer to 70, and he was just smiling and looking around people watching while his son jabbered away.
Suddenly out of the corner of his eye he spots a punk teenager. The boy had piercings all over, makeup, and enough chains to make him rattle from simply breathing. The icing on the cake was the rainbow colored mohawk that stood straight up from the kid's head at least 8 inches high. The kid catches the old man staring at him and glares back. The old man keeps staring, and finally the kid's had enough.
"What old man, what are you looking at?!"
"...Nothing.... I just f*cked a peacock a long time ago, and I was wondering if you could be my son..."
What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
This one is a bit long, but I like it:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay in the same hotel where they had had their honeymoon 20yrs before. Because of their hectic work schedules it was difficult to co ordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on his own and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room and he decided to send an email to his wife. However he accidently left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston a widow had just returned home from her husbands funeral. He was a Minister who had died after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from friends and family. After reading the first message she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and then glanced at the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday 13 October 2004
Subject: I have arrived
Dearest Love :
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS- Sure is freaking hot down here.
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