The Lounge

Ok, here we go. I just had a baby, and my sex drive is hit and miss. Some days I can get in the mood pretty quickly and stay that way for the whole shebang, but other days I just can't get or stay in the mood at all! My husband gained about 15 lbs in the last year, and he is convinced that the reason its difficult for me to get in the mood is because I don't find him attractive anymore!

That couldn't be farther from the truth! I talked to my doctor, and he said that breastfeeding can change your hormones. Namely the level of testosterone, which helps with the libido. How can I tell my that I find him even more attractive now than when we were dating? Tell him, and have him believe me? 

Tell him what you just said here.

Don't make the mistake of underestimating your mate.

Don't make the mistake of letting your mate undermine himself.

If he is worthy of your love, he is worthy of your open willing communication.

If you need to, research it a bit and print out some info for him to read. Everything is better and easier when it's backed up with facts. 

what you are going through is really common...between hormones and the baby constantly needing you and touching you, it's hard to be in the mood.  BTDT...but...as someone who has been though it please listen to some advice.

talk openly about how you are feeling...have him read your post so he knows how serious you are...take a bit of time for you...even a 15 minute bubble bath can do WONDERS...use KY or another lube...it is REALLY common for women to be dry after kids and nursing no matter how turned on you are...make sure HE understands that...

Don't withhold when you are not in the mood...trust me, you will be glad once your hormone balance out again...basically I am saying...talk..talk..talk...and still have LOTS of sex...if nothing else you can be there for him for a while.  Trust me, this is temporary and may not happen with each kid...it is sometimes worse when we have boys.  Heard that from a bunch of girlfriends...it was for me...much worse with my son then my daughters.

(married 17 years...3 kids...and happier in that area then ever before...it justs gets better...)

*Warning to those easily offended:  Please skip this post*

Grab the lube, put on a smile, and do it anyway.  Or do it in, ahem, alternative ways.

Your husband needs physical attention to feel like a man.  Of course he's worried; husbands are notoriously bad at interpreting their women.  IMHO, you can talk to him about the situation, but verbal communication is much more a woman's thing than a man's thing.  I think he's just as likely to hear what you're saying as making excuses for why you don't find him attractive anymore.

You need to show him in a non-verbal way that you are still sexually interested in him.  Go on, girl.  Be creative.  And good luck.

I couldn't agree with lysistrata more.

Don't find excuses for not wanting it, just do it and make your man happy =)

Okay, lysistrata is right and wrong.   Ive been married for 17 years.  We will have been together as a couple for 19 years at the end of august.   I have 6 kids.  Every illness, from catching the mumps from the kids shots, to having over 170 stitches to put me back together, to post pardum, I have experienced it.

Do I sometimes have sex with my husband when Im not in the mood?  Yes.  But, the whole beginning of the encounter goes something like this.  "Ya in the mood?" ...."not really but Im willing to turn my head and think of england if thats okay with you."    Sometimes he says yeah, I don't have enough energy for anything more than that anyway.  Sometimes he says, hummm lets see if we can get you out of that mood and sometimes, he says no I want you connected. 

I never lie.  He knows up front that I don't feel like it and he can make up his own mind where it goes from there. But, even I can't do that all the time.  Sometimes, I just have to say not tonight dear.   But, what ever you do don't blame it on a headache even if you really have one.

As to what to tell him to make him feel better, it can be tricky.   Tears usually work.  LOL  No seriously, if you end up crying more the better.  I usually start out by explaining to him in complete detail everything that I had to do that day.  The I follow it up with every emotion I have been feeling and end it with, right now, Im not exactly in my right mind.  I love you and this will eventually straighten itself out.  But, its as much a part of life as PMS and I just hope you can be paitent with me for a little while longer.

 

Just sit down and tell him. You can start up by saying, You know I have been thinking or  simply , Hey , you know that I really find you sexier now than ever and I know i haven't really been the most playful lately but this is what's going on. 

i have never been one for just pretending that you want to have sex when you don't, just to please someone.  Maybe shoot for a romantic night  later this week or during the weekend. 

I agree...be there for your husband!  every time doesn't need to be dear diary worthy...you don't need to lie, I have told DH that I am not really in the mood, but I love you and would like to please you and my body is yours...sometimes he takes me up on it sometimes he waits...depends on if he is having a need or desire...

 

I couldn't disagree more with those who are saying "just give it to him, regardless of how you feel." 

While I do agree that "being there for your husband" is a good thing, if he respects you as a person, he should be OK with holding off on intercourse until you're ready.  I do agree that doing research and showing him that what you're going through is normal would be a great start, and definitely let him know that this isn't because of his 15 lbs.  Also, even if you're not feeling up to intercourse, don't be stingy with the cuddling and kissing and petting!  If he needs a "release" ... by all means, help him out. 

Hmm, I would take a non-sexual approach to this. Your DH is feeling unattractive. You just had a baby and your focus and attention is all on that baby - he's feeling neglected. He may even be going through something akin to a withdrawal effect - not having your touch as often. (We humans are addicted to each other ... that's why break-ups hurt so much).

What I would suggest is that you make a conscious effort to compliment and touch your hubby every day.... in non-sexual ways.

In the morning when he's getting dressed for work, give him an admiring up and down glance. Tell him how nice he looks - "that shirt really brings out the blue in your eyes" or "mm, you smell good"...  Run your hand over his biceps (even if you are holding baby in the other hand).

During the day call or email him to let him know you're thinking about him. Remember to say please and thank you (little things like this help). Show him appreciation for the little things he does.

When he comes home from work, no matter how hectic things are with baby, stop and give him a nice kiss - not a peck. A romantic kiss. Grab his butt occasionally (if he likes that sort of thing).

At dinner sit across from each other and connect with your eyes, long, lingering wistful glances. If you watch t.v. together at night, consider turning it off and talking instead, or make sure you are sitting close enough for body contact instead of in different chairs.

When you go to breastfeed baby before bed, do it lying down on the bed, and ask your hubby to cuddle up behind you. Tell him, "Junior has your chin... he's going to be just as handsome as his daddy!"

When you sleep at night, sleep naked and hold each other as you fall asleep. Chest-to-chest contact has been shown to increase female libido - something about transfer of testosterone from man to woman.

Doing things like this may just get you in the mood more often. But even if it doesn't, he'll feel sexy, wanted, and attractive.... whether you have a lot of sex, or not!

Keep in mind that sometimes men feel a bit threatened by baby. They see all their wive's attention and energies and love going towards care of the baby, instead of them. He may be feeling jealous, and hating himself for feeling that way. So he makes it about sex instead, when what it is really about is that he's now got a rival for your attention.

As much as you can, include him in the care of the baby, so he feels he is a big part of that too, and is not so left out. Tell him there is nothing sexier to you than seeing a father with his child. (True for most women, I think!)

*^5s jenmcc for her answer*

I couldn't agree more.

Original Post by jenmcc:

Hmm, I would take a non-sexual approach to this. Your DH is feeling unattractive. You just had a baby and your focus and attention is all on that baby - he's feeling neglected. He may even be going through something akin to a withdrawal effect - not having your touch as often. (We humans are addicted to each other ... that's why break-ups hurt so much).

What I would suggest is that you make a conscious effort to compliment and touch your hubby every day.... in non-sexual ways.

In the morning when he's getting dressed for work, give him an admiring up and down glance. Tell him how nice he looks - "that shirt really brings out the blue in your eyes" or "mm, you smell good"...  Run your hand over his biceps (even if you are holding baby in the other hand).

During the day call or email him to let him know you're thinking about him. Remember to say please and thank you (little things like this help). Show him appreciation for the little things he does.

When he comes home from work, no matter how hectic things are with baby, stop and give him a nice kiss - not a peck. A romantic kiss. Grab his butt occasionally (if he likes that sort of thing).

At dinner sit across from each other and connect with your eyes, long, lingering wistful glances. If you watch t.v. together at night, consider turning it off and talking instead, or make sure you are sitting close enough for body contact instead of in different chairs.

When you go to breastfeed baby before bed, do it lying down on the bed, and ask your hubby to cuddle up behind you. Tell him, "Junior has your chin... he's going to be just as handsome as his daddy!"

When you sleep at night, sleep naked and hold each other as you fall asleep. Chest-to-chest contact has been shown to increase female libido - something about transfer of testosterone from man to woman.

Doing things like this may just get you in the mood more often. But even if it doesn't, he'll feel sexy, wanted, and attractive.... whether you have a lot of sex, or not!

Keep in mind that sometimes men feel a bit threatened by baby. They see all their wive's attention and energies and love going towards care of the baby, instead of them. He may be feeling jealous, and hating himself for feeling that way. So he makes it about sex instead, when what it is really about is that he's now got a rival for your attention.

As much as you can, include him in the care of the baby, so he feels he is a big part of that too, and is not so left out. Tell him there is nothing sexier to you than seeing a father with his child. (True for most women, I think!)

 anytime you want to step out of fantasy land and join the rest of the world it would be great.  Most of your husbands aren't idiots.  "Make him feel a big part of that, and is not so left out".  He is your husband not your puppy you are training and manipulated into feeling happy and content.  i can't believe I read al of that drivel.

Thanks for all the advice. We had a chat last night about our sex life, and where we thought it was going go. (His initiation, not mine!) I told him what the doctor told me, and then he said "Oh, that makes sense." and that was the end of it!!

I thought it was going to be this huge drawn out thing, but it went over pretty smoothly. He was exhausted, though. So we just went to sleep. I LOVE sleep!

TO btmills:My husband told me that he was feeling rejected, and did feel like I didn't need him as much anymore, so jenmcc advise was pretty astute. It doesn't have to be all mushy mushy though. Just saying "I appreciate what you did today" , and "Oh, my sexy husband, gimme a kiss" helped him know that I still love him.

 

Original Post by yachtracer1977:

I couldn't disagree more with those who are saying "just give it to him, regardless of how you feel."  

 If he needs a "release" ... by all means, help him out. 

ummmmmmm... ok? 

Hands can work wonders when one knows how to use them, ginger. 

BJ

wow, thanks guys, I had no idea.

anyway, to the OP, get some lube and moan like it's the best ever.  he'll appreciate you for it and hell, you'll have a good laugh about it someday =)