Health & Support

Background first...I started working out and watching what I eat last August (2007). To date, I have lost a total of 76lbs (wahoo!!). I met a great guy at the beginning of my weight loss who loves me and loved me prior to loosing all this weight and is so proud of my success. He motivates me to continue to be healthy (not just loose weight, but be healthy). My family as well, has been a strong support system during frustrations and successes.

The struggle that I have is with my best friend of 10+ years (we are 26). Prior to becoming healthy, we would go out to eat ALL THE TIME. We would meet during the work day for lunch, we would go over to each others houses for dinner, we would do breakfast on the weekends. Quick embarrassing story - I remember one night, we went to 5 different fast food restaurants and got things from each one, ending with dessert from Dairy Queen. Drove back to her house and binged on our purchases :( If we weren't eating, we would order movies and sit on her couch for hours...watching them or watching cable.

Anyways, ever since I started eating healthy and working out, we have become distant. It’s like we don’t have a reason to get together anymore. On multiple occasions, I have asked if she wanted to go for a walk, or go to an event but she declines for whatever reason (busy, other plans, doesn’t feel like it, saving $$). I'm quite confident that she is convinced that it’s because I now have a boyfriend. But I know this is not the reason, that its because of our previously unhealthy habits. if I bring up the unhealthy habits, she becomes quite defensive and upset (she is overweight, 200+lbs).

My question: has anyone been in this situation where due to changing to healthy lifestyles, friendships have been lost? How did you handle it? Am I to learn to accept it as a childhood relationship and now as adults we are just moving in opposite directions? If so, wow - that's hard to handle. It's hard to know that something I've changed for myself (positive change) has created a not-so-positive effect in a relationship. Again – I’ve tried to have conversations with her about it and she becomes defensive.

Thoughts? Experiences?

Awww. I'm sorry to hear about you and your friend. I can't say I've been in that situation but I can offer support. Since your common bond when you guys used to hang out was food, it makes sense that she could be upset (jealous?) at your new lifestyle, weight loss and healthy eating choices. She may not be ready to stop eating Dairy Queen or eating out all the time. Hopefully, this doesn't constitute a loss of friendship though. If you feel she'll respond well, maybe you should just come out and ask her why she's been avoiding you. Maybe set up one night a week for just you and her to do something. Better yet, make it spur of the moment and show up at her doorstep. Sometimes, it just takes a surprise to shake people up (in a good way of course).

I hope that she will see how much you appreciate her friendship. It will work out!

Edit: I checked out your blogspot and you look fantastic! Keep it up :)

Actually I know EXACTLY how you feel...go to http://caloriecount.about.com/forums/post/107 751.html#last and read my post...its very similar to what I am going through now.

I have lost friends when I stopped being their drinking buddy. It sucks, but what can you do? It hurts a lot but you get over it

It's sad to hear you lost a friend just because you made a choice of living a healthy lifestyle. It's not your fault though and you shouldn't even think of blaming yourself for it. My only advice is to probably show your friend this site and push her to join and change her life too. I am sure she doesn't enjoy being overweight but she might just not know how to start to get to where she wants to be. and since you are her friend it is your duty to help her :)

Thanks for the responses thus far - its just hard to know that a healthy change in my life can result in loosing a previous support system. And to recognize it as its happening is even tougher. Sometimes I try to talk about it to my boyfriend but he doesn't understand because he moved a lot and doesn't have friends that he's had for that long. He just tells me that if she wants to be my friend, she will make the effort. I agree with him to a point, but I don't want to loose the friendship.

You can't make someone be friends with you.  So basically, if she doesn't want it, you have to let it go, and hope that it'll come back.  If you want to take a risk you can outright confront her, lay it on the line, and find out where she's coming from, to see if you can resolve the issue.  But not everyone wants to talk about it.

When I made the big changeover to exercising/being healthy etc, I did lose some closeness with my unhealthy friends.  We're slowly gaining it back now.  It's hard but you have to do what you have to do.

The relationship was centered around eating.  You have changed your lifestyle, but she hasn't.  Can't you still go to restaurants to eat with her?  You might want to check menus ahead of time so you know a low calorie item to order, but you can still do that.  Going to eat is what she is comfortable with doing, walking and concerts may not be.  Try getting together for lunch again.

PS: And don't order a salad.  That is too ostentatiously 'diet'.  There are many dishes that are actually lower in calories than salads but don't scream diet and are less likely to make her feel like a pig.

i do not have much advice but have been through loss of relationships too - it was not because of food, but because of people starting families or moving to another place. i still struggle not to be angry:-) (i do not have to go out every night or something, i actually enjoy quiet nights out - so do not just bathe in memories of younger days when we were in pubs etc., but still think that having a kid does not have to stop people from seeing their friends... well, for some, it does, and oftentimes they are the people you expected to see quite often even when one or both change their lifestyles. i am not bitter, just surprised)

At age 47, I can say "been there, done that" for both sides of this story. You have changed. Your values and your behavior are different. I am sure it is difficult for your friend to be around you now because her values and behaviors have not changed. The two of you also carry the burden of all the prejudices people have against us overweight folks.

Do you know what I'm talking about? If we are working out and losing weight, we are "good" and people see us positively. We get compliments. Our energy increases. We become more outgoing, even more energetic. We meet a man, who is really only looking for someone who will make him feel good.  And then we feel better together. Why can't everyone do this? It's so possible to make yourself feel better. I bet you tell her about your healthy habits in an attempt to get her to adopt them. You love her and it would be the best thing for her.

On the other hand, if we are sitting on the couch eating a whopper, then we are "bad". Our energy is down. Socially, we don't put a lot out there. People only see the fat.  Its very difficult for people to look past the fat for the good. What makes it even more difficult is when we have a friend who wants to tell us how it is and what will help. And, you know what? We didn't ask for that help in the first place! But the friend means well. She has our best interests at heart. We know that she's "right" and she's "good" and we aren't. So, it's really too hard to be around that friend and listen to the diet talk and the boyfriend talk. We are not there yet. We might get there in our own time and place. But, it's not at the same time that our friend is there.

We are on different paths. Life happens. You don't have to be mad about it. Or, blame anyone. It just happens. Maybe your paths will cross again over something other than food. Leave the chance for that to happen open. Don't preach health. Don't burn bridges. Life is long and you don't know what will happen down your road or hers.

I had a lot of toxic relationships (non weight related) in the past that I had to get rid of for the sake of my own sanity. It's difficult but you have to keep reminding yourself that you are doing for your own health. You can't be attached to her judgment.

the post by salrob is one of the reasons why i like it here so much: people of different ages and backgrounds know more and can offer more insight...

Well, I for one would help my friend lose weight, and be their coach. Maybe you can help her. Plan your approach, cause weight can be a touchy subject.

I have to laugh at this scenario cause I used to go to about 3, or 5 places with my bud and he was the junkie talking me into it..but he had no weight problem.

Original Post by thax:

Well, I for one would help my friend lose weight, and be their coach. Maybe you can help her. Plan your approach, cause weight can be a touchy subject.

I have to laugh at this scenario cause I used to go to about 3, or 5 places with my bud and he was the junkie talking me into it..but he had no weight problem.

Yeah see, i would NEVER suggest to a friend that they'd go on a diet with me. I let people make that decision by themselves and support them ones they ask for it.

The friend might feel pressured into changing her habits. If she is happy with her life, so be it. Don't compare your current lifestyle with how it used to be, and emphasize on how much better you are. It only stresses the fact that SHE hasn't turned things round for herself.

 

Original Post by salrob:

On the other hand, if we are sitting on the couch eating a whopper, then we are "bad". Our energy is down. Socially, we don't put a lot out there. People only see the fat.  Its very difficult for people to look past the fat for the good. What makes it even more difficult is when we have a friend who wants to tell us how it is and what will help. And, you know what? We didn't ask for that help in the first place! But the friend means well. She has our best interests at heart. We know that she's "right" and she's "good" and we aren't. So, it's really too hard to be around that friend and listen to the diet talk and the boyfriend talk. We are not there yet. We might get there in our own time and place. But, it's not at the same time that our friend is there.

 This is my thought also.  I think when people figure out something, they want to inform everyone else and get others on the wagon with them.  I quit smoking and was told by a friend that they hate when people quit smoking and then start preaching about how easy it is and how everyone should do it.  I took that information to heart and never assume others are ready, willing or able to act like me.  I am proud of myself and don't discuss my healthy choice with anyone that doesn't ask.  I have also chosen this mentality with my other healthier lifestyle choices.  I go out to eat, I just eat healthy.  I hang out with smokers, I just don't smoke.  I don't expect people that aren't into exercising to join me for walks, I don't even ask, I would just do with them what we always have done.  This is my way and again I don't expect others to be ready, willing or able to do this either unless they choose.  Just some advice, IF this is even a possible reason for you troubles.

Take care!

Original Post by halizabeth:

Original Post by salrob:

 

 This is my thought also.  I think when people figure out something, they want to inform everyone else and get others on the wagon with them.  I quit smoking and was told by a friend that they hate when people quit smoking and then start preaching about how easy it is and how everyone should do it.  I took that information to heart and never assume others are ready, willing or able to act like me.  I am proud of myself and don't discuss my healthy choice with anyone that doesn't ask.  

i really applaud you for not being one of THOSE annoying ones who constantly preach about how everyone has to (give up smoking, start going to the gym, buy this or that etc.) like them:)))

Original Post by pen_coed:

Original Post by thax:

Well, I for one would help my friend lose weight, and be their coach. Maybe you can help her. Plan your approach, cause weight can be a touchy subject.

I have to laugh at this scenario cause I used to go to about 3, or 5 places with my bud and he was the junkie talking me into it..but he had no weight problem.

Yeah see, i would NEVER suggest to a friend that they'd go on a diet with me. I let people make that decision by themselves and support them ones they ask for it.

The friend might feel pressured into changing her habits. If she is happy with her life, so be it. Don't compare your current lifestyle with how it used to be, and emphasize on how much better you are. It only stresses the fact that SHE hasn't turned things round for herself.

 

We are talking about friends of 15-20 years+. These are the people you can tell to f*** off, and next day nothing ever happened. :) Not that I do that.