i don't think you're going to like what i have to say, but you need to get rid of your scale, stop measuring, probably get away from this site, and stop reading about nutrition.  your dissatisfaction isn't really about your size, and as long as you're focused on that, you'll likely never be happy with yourself.  you already know that, but i'm saying it anyway.

do you have a counsellor?  not a psychiatrist, okay, but someone you can talk to about how you're feeling? 

just to be transparent, i've never struggled with disordered eating.  but i'm doing my master's in social work and my thesis is on young women who struggle with disordered eating, substance abuse, and self-harm in combination.  it's not about food and it's not about weight.  focusing on that stuff just provides a distraction from what's really going on.

I think you are right, otherwise I wouldn't have broken down after what you said...and I didn't think about it like that. I am trying to lose weight the "right" way, but it's still trying to lose weight.

I did throw away the scale after I got the help, but after I got married, I bought another one because I thought I had things under control. But now I think I bought it because I wanted to make sure I didn't get too fat after marriage, not because I wanted to check my weight. I check my worth. What you said I should do (basically throwing my system out the window) seems harder than trying to maintain weight.

I don't really have anyone to talk to...I don't think my husband understands. Maybe my mom will.

Thank you for your advice...

i know it's hard to let go of something that you've depended on for a long time.  but restricting isn't really your friend.  you know?

feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it.

According to the BMI tool, 5'8" at 135lb is a BMI of 20.5, which is the lower end of the healthy weight spectrum.

You don't need to lose weight. If you want to safeguard against gaining weight, do some resistance training to build muscle and improve your metabolism so you don't need to worry so much about what you eat. You'll look better, too.

I totally agree with void_ptr that strength training or any form of exercise would help. Once I started serious weight lifting, my metabolism started demanding much more food than I was used to. Now I look at food more as fuel than something to punish myself with. Also, pushing your body and accomplishing strength or endurance goals makes you appreciate your body more.

I may look bigger than I did when I was anorexic, but I now have so much more confidence, a more positive outlook to life and everyday situations, and so much more strength and energy.

I have learned from my eating disorder that I am a perfectionist. Ever since I started my job this summer, I have come to be the silly, cheerful, positive girl I remember. But on my days off when I have too much free time on my hands, I find that I start to criticize myself again and my confidence drops. So the key is to keep busy--exercise and play sports, go out with friends, run errands, clean, start projects like learning to play an instrument or learn a new language, read a book, even playing video games. I know where you are coming from. I am so happy that I have finally found what works for me (in fact, I need to find something productive to do right now :P)

im a recovering anorexic , this is my 5th day eating healthy. i think what made me want to recover was the fact that life was way too hard that way and i just felt like i wanted to die. give recovery a chance, the 1st and second days r the hardest but once you get thourugh those 2 days youll feel alot better. i still have anorexia thoughts like o i need to excersise or how many calories, but im eating now.

start off slowly because many times if you start off fast youll definitly relapse.

i wish u best luck xoxo

I'm also a recovered anorexic, currently weigh 125 pounds at 5'8 and am still underweight for my height.  (Plus, it's way too skinny--I felt a lot more happier, energetic & confident at 138 pounds).  As void_ptr mentioned, the BMI for a 5'8 woman at 135 pounds is only 20.5 and that is the lower end of the healthy weight spectrum.   

It takes time to change thought patterns in regards to body image, self-confidence & food issues, but rest assured--it can be done.  A few things that have helped me in my recovery process is strength training, eating clean (i.e. no processed foods or junk), throwing out the scale, avoiding fashion magazines & fashion-related shows on tv (they can be very triggering) and avoiding mirrors so I don't get critical about my appearance. 

The best thing is to stay busy so that those 'eating disorder thoughts' won't have the chance to bring your confidence down.  Stay positive!

doggies4life: welcome to the human race, sweets. i think more people (the majority being female, i think, but having done no such formal research myself, i do not know..) than you or i realize feel exactly like this. personally, i think it's something internal, mental, within each person that needs to click so the person can go "d'oh - this **** really isn't the be all and end all that i thought it was..".  in the meantime, i agree with previous posts: try keeping yourself busy and occupied. for me, anyway, when i have downtime is when i start thinking to much and start sinking into the icky mess that is self-hatred.

pgeorgian: that sounds like a fascinating thesis concept. what you're discovering must be either completely eye-opening, or depressingly expected..

I can't offer much in the way of suggestions for overcoming the behaviors and feelings you mentioned, because I'm still stuck in them.  I'll restrict and restrict and restrict, and then when I can't take it anymore, I'll eat something "bad" and it's like nothing else matters that day because I've already blown it.  A 200-calorie "extra" can turn into a 1,000-calorie binge simply because I strayed from my comfort zone and convinced myself that the damage was already done.

I do agree with the others who have said that the root of your issue is probably not your weight or your measurements, but something deeper and much more personal.  It's so easy to convince ourselves that if fat=bad then skinny=good and skinnier=better, but if you're sad and hurting at a healthy weight (and a low healthy weight at that), chances are you'll be said and hurting at an unhealthy weight too.

Here's where I get all hypocritical: Losing weight will not make you happy.  For someone with disordered thinking, there will always be anothing 5 pounds to lose, another inch to shave off here and there, and another food to cut out of their diet.  You won't be "happy" at 125, period.  You won't be happy at 120, or 115, or 110 either.  You may get some fleeting satisfaction, but you won't be happy because you'll still be giving yourself the run-around.  You'll be avoiding whatever is making you feel this way and allowing it to fester and grow stronger.

Original Post by empo:

I can't offer much in the way of suggestions for overcoming the behaviors and feelings you mentioned, because I'm still stuck in them. I'll restrict and restrict and restrict, and then when I can't take it anymore, I'll eat something "bad" and it's like nothing else matters that day because I've already blown it. A 200-calorie "extra" can turn into a 1,000-calorie binge simply because I strayed from my comfort zone and convinced myself that the damage was already done.

I do agree with the others who have said that the root of your issue is probably not your weight or your measurements, but something deeper and much more personal. It's so easy to convince ourselves that if fat=bad then skinny=good and skinnier=better, but if you're sad and hurting at a healthy weight (and a low healthy weight at that), chances are you'll be said and hurting at an unhealthy weight too.

Here's where I get all hypocritical: Losing weight will not make you happy. For someone with disordered thinking, there will always be anothing 5 pounds to lose, another inch to shave off here and there, and another food to cut out of their diet. You won't be "happy" at 125, period. You won't be happy at 120, or 115, or 110 either. You may get some fleeting satisfaction, but you won't be happy because you'll still be giving yourself the run-around. You'll be avoiding whatever is making you feel this way and allowing it to fester and grow stronger.

this is sososo 100% true.

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. It has really made me start thinking more about what is right. I spoke to my mom about this and she goes through the same things now and again.

But yesterday, while I was eating and trying to forget I was eating, I started to remember a girl half a dozen years ago who was not only thin, but happy and who didn't scrutinize every little thing she ate. She never knew the meaning of feeling full or stuffed, just satisfied, and she ate to live and food wasn't a big deal at all. She didn't weigh often or measure - she was just me.

I really want to have that lifestyle back. My mom asked me how much I want to lose, and it was about 10 lbs. Then she said "Why?" I was speechless, because I knew I didn't need to lose the weight. So I had no answer other than "because I want to" and I just broke down crying.

So, it's back to the gym with me, and I am going to try to eat to live again, and not feel like I need to eat every mouthful, or no mouthful of what's around me. Onward to trying to make food not such a big deal, and make a happy life the most important thing!

If I wasn't at work right now, I'd be breaking down and crying too, because what you're describing is exactly what I wish I could do.

Talking to your mom and getting it out in the open is the first step.  I've been battling an ED for almost 20 years.  Sometimes I'm great, sometimes I'm out of control - but it's always in the back of my mind.  I finally started seeing a therapist about 5 years ago when I realized that my daughter was exhibiting ED behavior and it broke my heart.  The therapist first pointed out to me that I was not "recovered" and I was modeling the behavior that my daughter was acting out.  That was SO hard for me to hear.

I quit therapy for a while and for the last 2 years I have been in therapy weekly.  I'm finally working on losing a healthy amount of weight again - but more importantly, I'm dealing with the self esteem issues, etc. that cause me to be this way.