Hi. Im not exactly sure why I'm posting this... I dont have a question or anything. I just need for someone to tell me "everything will be fine" or "i know what you're going through, dont sweat it."
Im 5'4 and 110 lbs. Im satisfied with my figure, and people think i look good(not too skinny.) My mom told me not to gain any weight. However, i am SO COMPULSIVE about my body. I workout a TON so that i can eat a lot everyday, and am DEVASTED if i eat more than my calorie limit. ( i like never binge.)
I am ALWAYS hungry. My whole life ive been a big eater... When i was in 2nd grade I could easily finish off 2 footlong subs and still have plenty of room for desert. A few months ago i had a problem with binging and then starving. i developed anorexia around thanksgiving... but now im eating as much as i should be. I eat around 2000 calories a day depending on how much i work out.
My problem is that next year im going to boarding school. im SOOO excited :) but im also really worried. i dont want to get fat again. (I used to be a good 20 lbs. overweight. healthy...but chubby.) I dont think ill be able to keep up my exercise routine... and i dont know what kind of food they will have at boarding school. I really wish i could just eat what i want when i want... but when i do i feal so GUILTY!
Ugh.... eating and dieting and exercising is going to mess up my highschool experience if i dont get over this whole thing soon. any advice? kind words?
thanks for reading...
Wow, this is kinda creepy because you sound EXACTLY like me! It's so weird! I too, became a compulsive eater and exerciser after working to lose twenty pounds, "not overweight, but chubby." My mom told me not to gain weight and that i was looking kinda chubby and that set off a year and half long Anorexia spur. I'm 5'4", about 110 pounds (I try not to get on the scale anymore).
I'm still a little crazy about exercise and my diet and I freak out about eating the wrong thing but I never binge. Sometimes it's hard to travel or go places because i have such anxiety about when and where i'll exercise and what food will be there. Question: did you ever see a psychologist for your eating disorder? I thought I was fine once I got myself to start eating normal again. But let me tell you this, if you haven't seen a therapist or psychologist YOU NEED TO.
You may think that you're fine, (I sure did!) but seriously, seeing someone and talking about these things to them is the best way to start getting over them. I'm only now really getting "better" after a year of therapy. So get out the phonebook, call your insurance company, talk to your parents, and find a shrink! LOL it feels silly, but it's important for recovery.
Good luck! ANd my best wishes
Personally girls as someone who is 5 foot 4 with a small bone structure I can say with all certainty that you would look great at 120 lbs or even 130. In fact, if I was to see you at 110, I would probably tried to feed you, but then I am Southern and we do love our food. LOL
You deserve better mothers than that. Both of you do. How dare they suggest you shouldn't gain weight! They obviously have their own issues that they are putting off on their daughters. Don't listen to either of them. Healthy is what is important not how small your dress is. Gone are the days of Scarlet O'hara and her 16 inch waist.
Be happy with you. If your happy then what your mother says doesn't matter. What anyone says doesn't matter. My mom was always great about weight matters but use to accuse me of never finishing anything I started. In fact the day I got married, her words of advice to me, were "Now your starting something you have no choice but finish." To her, divorce wasn't an option for me. Doesn't matter that she left my father less than 10 years later. It is obvious to me now that my mother was the one that had problems finishing things not me. But, that has stuck with me my whole life. It is a constant fight to keep her voice at bay.
Do not let your mothers do that to you with your weight. Your health is way to important. For the record, at 16 I was 5 foot 4 125 lbs and my measurements were 36, 26, 36. I was fit and healthy. That is what you should worry about being fit and healthy. I had no problems finding a husband and getting married at 18. At 130 people still accused me of being a china doll that they might break.
Don't let anyone put you in a postion where your self esteem depends on them. They obviously have their own issues if they need to try and distroy you because of your weight when you weigh next to nothing.
beanaparker and jessie7676, I am just like both of you two, as well! 5'4", around that 110 mark (+/- depending on the day, of course... you know how it goes! :-P)
Anyway, beanaparker, I can relate sooo much. I love to eat. foodfoodfood! I'm 20 years old now, but when I was about 15, I weighed something like 180 pounds. So I definately know what you mean about not wanting to be fat, again! Of course, I ended up developing an eating disorder (long process, long story, blah blah blah) that I'm still working on getting over. Physically I'm over it, but mentally, it's still hard to accept that I can be anything over 108lbs, you know? So, what I mean is... don't LET it mess up your highschool experience! Just realize that there is sooo much more to life than obsessig over some silly numbers. Try to find a balaance-- yes, you can be conscious about your health, but a 0.4 pound increase on the scale means absolutely nothing in teh grand scheme of things. And FORGET what your mom said. 110 is on the low end of a healthy weight for our height, so DO NOT feel any sort of pressure to "not gain weight." After all, you're just entering highschool-- you're still GROWING, for crying out loud! You could gain weight and look NO different, just because your body is developing and becoming an adult!
As far as boarding school goes... I'm not sure about the options there, specifically, but I have the whole college experience, and it's do-able. You can still eat healthily (I went to the grocery store a lot, and otherwise became best friends with the salad bar and the fruit selection at my school.. but I'm a vegetarian, too), and stay fit. Will there be intramural sports? Or anything? As a bunch of high school kids, I'm SURE people will be wanting to play around, and not just sit around all day. No worries! :)
Good luck, hun, and please don't be too worried about everything. Just remember, that the whole "recovery" process is just that-- a PROCESS, and it takes time, so don't expect to just wake up one day and BAM, be able to eat perfectly "normally." Take it a day (or hour!) at a time, and things will work out.
A healthy, active child shouldn't have a care in the world... not spending their time excessively exercising, feeling hungry and counting calories. I sincerely hope that when you get to boarding school and you're surrounded by your contemporaries you'll find they're healthy, normal girls with good appetites and you'll feel better about yourself as a result. And there will be so much else to do at boarding school that hopefully you'll be distracted from this compulsive behaviour.
In the meantime, I do think you need to talk to someone professional and nip this in the bud. It's not your weight, it's your attitude that decides if you have a problem.....
I know sometimes you just need that.... I am sure you are both beautiful young girls with so many wonderful characteristics and attributes. Boarding school will be a fantastic experience... and you CAN have a balance! I used to be in the same boat as you- way too compulsive and obsessive about everything related to exercise and diet. I ended up talking to a psychologist just a few times to sort everything out in my head and it really helped a ton! Well after that I went back the other direction and back to eating whatever I wanted... it was a step I needed to go through and looking back it was good for me, but i realized that I really wasn't feeling as well or as healthy as I used to when I started eating certain junky stuff again! So now I've started to find the balance and I've realized the truth- eating healthily should be about making yourself feel better, stronger, and more confident, not about only losing weight! When I eat healthy fruits and vegetables and stay away from chowing down on processed foods I actually FEEL better inside, not because I am doing the "right thing" or "being good", but because I am actually nourishing my body and taking care of myself!
Anyway... that was a long little blurb but maybe something in it will strike something in your mind and heart! Best of luck to you in everything... and here is a HUGE hug and a BIG smile for you =D
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