Pregnancy & Parenting

I just had my baby boy 6 weeks ago, and lately I have been extremely frustrated and depressed. I have suffered from depression since I was 13 (I am 21 now). Before I conceived, I suffered from cronic fatigue. Although I've never been diagnosed with the syndrome, I strongly believe that's what I had considering that I was constantly tired no matter how much sleep I got. Now, it's worse. I'm convinced I have postpartum depression on top of my clinical depression/anxiety and sometimes I feel I don't know how to cope with the pressure and demands of motherhood. I have cried three nights in a row this week.

I'm sleep deprived. I feel like my child doesn't like me because I can never get him to fall asleep/calm down from crying/screaming his head off when it seems like everbody else around me can. I feel he prefers his father over me. I know babies can feel when somebody is upset, and perhaps that's why he always cries harder for me than with anyone else, but I can't help but to get frustrated, and then my frustration snowballs into depression.

I don't know how to cope. I am currently on maternity leave for another 2 weeks and I'm extremely anxious and worried about going back to work. I don't know how I'm going to handle not getting any sleep at night (my son is up all night and sleeps all day), then getting up in the morning and going to work, then coming home and taking care of my son, not getting any sleep at night and doing everything all over again. I'm worried I may never get any sleep and I don't know how I'll handle it.

I try to keep my son up during the day so that maybe he'll sleep more at night, but it never works. When he's tired, he'll fall asleep no matter where he is or who he's with. It's almost impossible to keep him up for too long. I know this will change in time, but right now, I'm just worried about my sanity and how I'm going to handle going to an extremely boring job after not getting enough sleep. It's hard enough staying awake at work when I've had a full 8 hours of sleep, but now that I am going off of 2, maybe 3 hours of sleep every night, I'm almost guaranteed to nod off at work. To make it worse, I have a desk/computer job, and having to sit in front of the computer for 8 hours a day after only sleeping for 2 hours that night is going to be hell.

I also gained 30lbs during my pregnancy, after losing 20lbs before I conceived. I'm extremely overweight and I've been struggling to lose weight since I was 14. At one point I had lost about 80lbs (when I was 14-15) but now I have gained it all back and then some. I have been trying so hard to lose weight since I've gained it all back but it just hasn't happened yet and now I'm fatter and more unhealthy than I have ever been. I'm dying to join a gym so I can get in some work out time to work off the pregnancy weight but on top of work and my son, I don't know how to incorporate that into my already sleep deprived life.

I just need some reassurance. I need some comfort, some advice, some stories from experienced mothers who have gone through this and still came out sane.

Help? =(

I am 23 and have two kids; two and nine weeks and I def. know what it is like to feel like you are completely incapable of handling the stress and just wanting to curl up and cry. my daughter was colicky and pretty much cried the first four months of her life. My son, although much more laid back was and is still a handful especially now that their are two. some of the things that helped me cope were having a game plan for each day even if it isn't followed. I found that getting them used to a schedule from the beginning was extremely helpful. At about four to five months you won't believe how wonderful it is when your child takes naps at the same times every day and goes to sleep and wakes up at the same times everyday. another thing, which i know i am going to get alot of slack for is co sleeping. i co slept both my kids and it has been a life saver especially since i breastfed. i know some who have had difficulty getting their kids out of their beds later and i think the key is to do it as soon as possible my daughter was out without a hitch at four months, my son is two months and i am already starting to transition him.

You need to make yourself a priority right NOW.  It sounds to me like you're having a lot of negative thoughts and emotions directed toward yourself and your life in general and you've started projecting those emotions onto your new baby boy.  You baby ADORES you.  You are THE most important person in his life!  The increased level of crying is typical at 6 weeks, your son is going through the peak of the "colic" period and things should start to improve after the next 2 weeks.  Your husband may have better luck at getting him to stop crying (or cry less) because men tend to "play" more with their infants, which at his age will tend to temporarily distract him from any discomfort he may be feeling.

You are correct when you say that babies can sense the emotional state of the parent, which is why when your husband approaches your son in a playful, happy mood he gets a better reaction than you do when you approach him in a depressed, hopeless, frustrated frame of mind.  He WILL pick up on your emotions and what you're telling him is that something is wrong, he doesn't know what, he can only sense that you are very upset by something and through crying he's looking for comfort and reassurance from you.

That is why you have to start taking care of yourself IMMEDIATELY.  I have been going through PP Depression as well, I have a 10 week old little girl (and I went through it with my 5 year old as well) and I'm breastfeeding so I am not able to take ANY medications to help the situation.  I've found that there are certain things that I needed to do for myself to help me lift my spirits and feel better physically.  I walk / sit in the sunlight EVERY DAY (It's a natural anti-depressant).  I do one thing just for me every day, some days it's a long hot bath, some days it's a swim in our pool, some days it's a short outing all by myself, but no matter what I have to get that little bit of "me time" in every single day.  Dieting and working on the quality of my nutrition has (suprisingly enough) also helped me a great deal.  When I get an A at the end of the day and I know that I've done everything I can to give us everything we need, it feels GOOD.  Having that weekly weigh in gives me something positive to look forward to, and counting my calories gives me a feeling of empowerment.  I know that what I'm doing today is not only going to get me back to my pre-pregnancy weight, it's also going to make my body healthier, stronger, generally better.  Most importantly you need to DECIDE to be happy.  Don't ever approach your baby with a negative attitude.  When you go to pick him up think about all the wonderful things you love about him.  Nurture him, stroke his head, tell him everything is alright and let him know how much you love him.

With regard to the PP Depression, you definitely NEED to be taking a prenatal vitamin every day.  Your body is recovering from 9 months of depleted nutrients and you need to do everything you can to recover from that.  If you're breastfeeding, try some of my suggestions to help cope with your depression, if you're not then you need to contact your doctor immediately and request anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications (But please don't rely solely on the meds though, you need to DO things as well to promote a change to your mental state). 

If I were you I would start eating right immediately.  If you don't feel that you can diet right now, at least start by eating a VERY healthy variety of foods.  If you need help determining just what is healthy, this site has a wonderful tool!  Record your intake every day and the nutrition analyzer will grade you on your nutrition.  You should aim for a B+ or better even if you aren't trying to lose any weight.  I promise you if you aim for good nutrition, sunlight and a little bit of "me time" you will start to feel better in a week or 2.

Now, regarding your son's schedule.  When he falls asleep during the evening (from say 5pm on) allow him to sleep for 20-30 minutes, then wake him by picking him up, cradling him and wiping his face with a cool, moist paper towel.  Do it as many times as you need to to get him to wake.  Once he IS awake keep him engaged.  Show him bright colors, talk to him in a funny voice, take him for a walk around the house and let him look out the windows, do whatever you have to to hold his interest.  If he falls back asleep, let him rest for another 20-30 minutes and start all over again.  You may have to do this every single night for 2 weeks or more, but eventually he will adjust his sleeping pattern and those 5 or so hours of wakefullness in the evening will tire him out and help him sleep more soundly at night.

 

Good luck doll, feel free to message me if you need to talk or have any questions at all.  You will make it through!!

Went through the same schedule with my second son, honey.

I never believed in waking a sleeping child, that's how they grow and retain the weight they need to thrive. They tend to right themselves naturally after about 3 or 4 months, once they can retain more food. So I just bore with it. In the interim, I slept when he did. 

Listen. The most important thing to remember is that it will all pass. You will not fall asleep at work, and even if you do, everyone in the world will understand. You will bond with your child. You will get enough sleep. You will overcome the feelings of depression and fear.

In short you will survive just fine, as long as you keep trying and keep loving yourself and your baby.

The missing link that I haven't yet seen mentioned in the above posts is essential fatty acids.  Growing a baby depletes your body of DHA, which is found in omega-3 fish oils (cod liver oil, for example).  When you breastfeed, your body further depletes any stores of DHA it may have, providing your baby with optimal nutrition.  There are many studies linking low maternal DHA levels to postpartum depression.  I took a tablespoon of fish oil daily during pregnancy and continue to supplement still while breastfeeding my 12 week old son.  I really believe this habit has helped nourish both my emotional health and my son's development. 

Here's a fantastic link to clinical research on the benefits of fatty acid supplementation.  It's never too late to start!!

http://www.omega-research.com/research.php?ca tid=3

Good luck, mama :)

Thank you all so much for your replies. You each had something good and helpful to say and I will definitely keep everything in mind!

What I did not see mentioned was a support group.

I had a lot of issues with BF'ing my two (now 4 and 2). Issues with getting them to latch. And boy those hormones raging around just after birth were hell. With the BF issue, it was even worse, but a local hospital had a BF /mommy/baby group and that quite seriously was my anchor. It was hard to go initially for me (see next sentence), but just being there with other moms with small newborns/babies was SO HELPFUL! Those who know me would not say I am a shy person as I am fairly friendly and love to talk, but I am not so good with large groups of people I do not know, especially when I am not feeling well/ feeling down. The mom/baby group gave me a place to voice my worries and concerns.

It stinks that you have to go back, but you may find being at work is not so hard. I remember going to work and functioning on 2-5 hours of interrupted sleep and thinking "wow I have not functioned on this little sleep since college!" I am amazed now how well I functioned. If you get a decent break for lunch at work, put on sunscreen and with an alarm clock/alarm on your phone or watch, take a cat nap in your car. It could help to refresh you mid-day and give you enough energy for the rest of the day and coming home, plus you get the vitamin D that is the natural antidepressant.

I usually used my lunch broken up into smaller breaks for pumping at work as I continued to BF until they were both 18 months, so if you are BF'ing and planning to continue, you may not get as much cat nap time, but every little bit of down time away from the computer screen will "rest" you. If you are not BF'ing, you can do the nap thing or use that time to take a walk alone - works to get out and about moving away from the computer screen and give you a mental alone break.

I concur about the sleep when the baby sleeps. I said " the heck with housecleaning more nap to the people (well,... me)!" LOL I still do. I nap when my youngest does - totally refreshing!

Good luck!

My son is 5 months old, and all I can tell you is, BREATHE!! It can be very frustrating and humiliating if you cannot comfort your child like you think you should. Especially now since your hormones are all out of whack.

My son wouldn't calm down for me for the first three weeks of his little life. He'd only want my husband to hold him. Then my husband left to go back over seas, and then I was left with this little guy who really didn't like me, or so I thought. Now he lights up and coos everytime I walk into the room!

I highly suggest that you go see your doctor about counseling or low dose anti-depressants. If you are breast feeding, then the counseling might be the way to go. These post partum blahs can spiral downward real fast, so make an appointment as soon as you can. There is another forum on this website for breastfeeding mommies who are on the quest to loose weight, you might like it.

Congradulations on your little one!

1) the best advice you got above was to go see your doctor. do it now.

2) your baby is six weeks old. he is supposed to sleep 16 hours a day, sometimes more. keeping him awake when he wants to sleep will only lead to a cranky baby, not more sleep at night. sleeping more at night is developmental at this stage, it is NOT related to how entertained/sleepy/bored etc the baby is.

3) sleep deprivation is normal at this stage in the game. co-sleeping, if you feel secure with it (I did), is a gift from god, especially if you nurse. there is nothing better than sleeping while feeding your baby, no need to warm a bottle or anything. just realize that the sleep you get is lighter than "normal" sleep because you will feel aware of the baby the whole time.

4) anxious mama=anxious baby. PLUS if you arent nursing, the anxious baby may be because he can still smell milk (same if you are) and he just wants it! try "wearing" him in a sling, so you can have your hands to do things but he gets the swinging motion like in the womb and closeness with you. if he cries (you know his cries by now, you know when he hurts (piercing), when hes hungry (sounds like emmms), or when hes just whining) adjust what you are doing based on if its something necessary or something not. some babies just cry, others have colic (usually related to reflux or tummy issues). if the sling doesnt help, see what is the difference in the way other people hold him. sometimes pressure on the tummy area can help.

5) 6 weeks postpartum is right about the time most mamas begin/lose it. your hormones are receding, you have had no sleep for months, and dammit, they never told you how hard it is to be a mom. no worries, it gets worse ;). its OK to cry, or rage, or just hand the baby to dad and take a long bath/shower/run/nap. you will always question if you are being a good mom, thats part of being a good mom.

good luck. you will sleep again. and very very soon your baby will smile at you, not from gas or anything else, but just because he is happy to see you. thats the light at the end of the sleepless tunnel.

I have a four year old, twins who just turned three, and a baby who is almost 4 months old. Please call someone about the depression, like your family docotor!

Ok, now thats over.....It DOES get better. Three months is the turning point. Don't try to keep the baby awake!The more sleep a baby gets, the more they will sleep. Go to borders.com or Amazone or some bookstore and order the sleep book by Dr. Marc Weissbluth I think thats how to spell his name. It should come up in a search. I don't remember what it is called, something like happy baby healthy sleep....something like that. This book really saved me. My twins and my four month old started sleeping thru the night by three months. I wish I had this book sooner for my first son. I also thought that I had to keep him up for him to sleep longer. It amazed me when he started to go to bed at seven pm and sleep till seven am.

It will get better. Good luck to you and your new baby!

I never thought I would make a good mother.  Everytime I picked up a baby it cried.  My husband picked them up and they loved him.  Me, they hated.  Then my oldest came along and all she did was cry for me.  My mom no problem.  My dad no problem.  My husband and sister, no problem.   But, for me she cried.  The only time she wasn't crying was when she had a pacifire and I kept losing it.  One day, I was home alone with her when she was about a month old and I had lost the pacifer again.  No one was going to be around for hours.  I literally spent the entire day breastfeeding because it was the only way she would quit crying. 

At some point in time, we both fell asleep and slept most of the afternoon until my husband came home.  But, then I discovered that when a man works 14 hour days the last thing he wants to do is deal with a crying baby his wife can't handle. I was miserable.  But, eventually she stopped. 

There is the possiblity that its colic.  You can try running the vaccum while the baby is crying.  If its colic the noise will help.  I don't know why white noise helps but it does. 

As for you, relax and cut yourself a break.  No one is a natural born mother.  It takes everyone time to adjust.  Maybe you do have post pardum and maybe your just overwhelmed.  If your thinking about harming yourself or the baby you definatly need to get help.  But, if your not, and you don't want to take depression medications, then I would recommend that you try mantras.

It got me through a lot of bad days.   My favorites were, I am a good mother.  I am a good mother, I am a good mother.  And  This too shall pass. this too shall pass.  Some how it always seemed to get me through.  Remember to breath.  Long complete breaths helps to releive stress and oxygenate the blood. 

I promise you will be fine.  But, by all means talk to your doctor about it, if your starting to worry that you might snap.  Your not the first woman in the world to feel that way, and you won't be the last.

 

Hello again!

 I have discovered a really nifty  toy for the little ones. It's a projection/music type toy for 0-12 months olds. My son loves it, and it relaxes him and gives him something to look at when he gets bored. I turn it on when its his "nap" time, and then he just quietly plays and talks during the 10-15 minuets he's laying in his crib. It has a timer, so you know when it ends. Its from Fisher price, and you can get it at Walmart. $20 i think.