Weight Loss

My 14 year old daughter has been creeping up the scale for the past 2 years.  She was always a healthy weight until she hit the 7th grade.  Then I think a combination of hormones, insecurities (typical for her age), lack of physical activity (typical for her age) and love of food made her overweight.  She is not actually overweight, but she is getting close to it and has become VERY self conscious of her appearance.  She is 5'5"  medium boned and weighs 140 lbs.  She is very toned (good genes from her dad's side), but does need to lose weight.  What I need is advice on how to motivate her without hurting her feelings or making her feel insecure.  I recently lost about 60 lbs myself and went from overweight to a very healthy weight.  I know that she is happy for me, but I also know that it bothers her that I weigh less and that I am in better physical condition.  I want my success to encourage her not make her feel resentful.  So, any moms (or dads) out there who can send me some words of advice?  Also, I would LOVE to hear from some teens who are trying to get healthy and what is it that you want from your moms?  I have shown her caloriecount and she is now a member and seems to like the web site and logging her food (I am just worried that she will become obsessed with it).  She has begun exercising (bike riding and The Firm).  She has lost 1.5 pounds this past week and I am so happy for her, but I know how it works (I have been fighting my weight for 20 years) so I am afraid that she will "fall off the wagon" after a few weeks.  So, after much rambling what can I do as a mom to 1) encourage her to continue to eat healthy and exercise and 2) not hurt her emotionally in any way and 3) make this a positive experience?

Maybe not focus so much on weight (5'5" 140 and toned is decent) but more on a health change. Try to get her to focus on how many fruits and veggies she eats and how much water she drinks- maybe chart success with stuff like that and def make it a mother daughter thing to do some exercises together. My mom and I used to go on long walks or bike rides together and it seemed like more fun than work. Also, maybe you and she can participate in some kind of event like race for the cure or something.

Weight is such a sensitive issue. At 5'5 and 140 and toned, your daughter is NOT overweight, and not even really borderline overweight. (Her BMI is 23.3, while overweight is considered a BMI of over 25--in her case, 151 pounds, but that might be even higher for her since she has a lot of muscle tone). And of course she's gained weight in the last two years--she's 14! Two years ago she was 12! She hit puberty!

The best thing you can do is make healthy meals for the family and do activity-orientated things with her. If she's involved in sports or other things that keep her active, and eating healthy, chances are she IS healthy and you shouldn't put so much stock in the actual number, especially since she isn't overweight.

My mom has tried to 'help' me with weight issues throughout my life--we both struggle. I was always very resentful. And when I did make the decision to lose weight, it was MY decision, and I did it in my OWN time. I understand now that she had, and has, my best interests at heart, but it doesn't change how uncomfortable and unhappy her harping about my size made me.

I understand that she is not overweight, but she is unhappy with the way that she looks and feels.  I have never suggested to her that she needs to lose weight.  She has come to that decision on her own and I simply want to encourage her to be healthy.  To eat healthier foods and be more active.  I do not think that she needs to lose weight, but if she wants to lose weight she has about 10-15 pounds of weight that she can lose and still be very healthy.  I do not want to be the type of mom that makes weight an issue, but I do want to encourage a healthier lifestyle.  I do cook very healthy foods for the whole family and try to keep the "junk" food to a minimum in the house.  I also ask everyone (my husband and both of my daughters) every day if they would like to work out with me or join me for a walk or a bike ride and they usually do (at least 1 of them does at any given time).  As far as the weight goes, I understand that she was 12 two years ago, but so were all of her friends and she has gained a lot more than all of them and that is very upsetting to her.  If I was the type of mom that harped on my daughter or made an issue of her weight I would not be sending this post out.  The whole reason that I am asking for help is so that I want to deal with this very delicate issue in the best possible manner so that she feels supported and encouraged without feeling bad about herself.  If I could take all of the weight that she wants to lose and put it on myself I would (and that is saying a lot for a person who has spent the last year working very hard to lose weight), but I obviously cannot do that.  I love her so very very much and I know how she feels and it breaks my heart to watch her struggle with her self esteem.  I just want some advice, not for people to assume that I am the bad guy here.  Thanks for the advice thinthought.  A race for the cure sounds like a great idea!  I will look into it.

I think the best tactic with kids is to make them think it was all their idea :-)  Any advice - however gently approached and promoted - is going to be treated with disdain.   But if she can be the one making the suggestions and taking the lead I think it's more positive.   I know it's tempting when you've 'seen the light' and lost weight yourself to pass on the good news but I think that's something you'll have to resist.  Wait for her to raise the subject (and that may never happen) and then go with her ideas enthusiastically.  

You're really doing all the right things by cooking healthy meals and encouraging her to be more active.  I wouldn't have got her on the calorie-counting trail at this stage because it's frankly a miserable enough business when you need to do it!  But maybe encourage her to start cooking meals for herself and the family.  Learning how to put things together and how to prepare healthy things is a good life-skill for anyone.  Discussing whether something is 'good food' or just 'tasty rubbish'... all that kind of thing.

For the exercise, walking and bike riding are excellent but they're not very exciting.  Could you find her a sport or an activity that means she's with children her own age?  Dance, for example?  Or something that boosts self-esteem at the same time such as joining a drama group or a judo class?  You know her personality... what fires her up?  See if you can link it with something active.  If she's environmentally aware she might find an outdoor conservation project fun, for example.

And my final suggestion... teach her how to love and look after the body she's got.   Take her shopping for clothes that flatter what must be a lovely, curvy figure.   Again, build her confidence in the way she looks now rather than putting too much importance on her being lighter.  If she feels happy and confident she's more likely to be motivated to do other things

Original Post by sunshine71:

I understand that she is not overweight, but she is unhappy with the way that she looks and feels.  I have never suggested to her that she needs to lose weight.  She has come to that decision on her own and I simply want to encourage her to be healthy.  To eat healthier foods and be more active.  I do not think that she needs to lose weight, but if she wants to lose weight she has about 10-15 pounds of weight that she can lose and still be very healthy.  I do not want to be the type of mom that makes weight an issue, but I do want to encourage a healthier lifestyle.  I do cook very healthy foods for the whole family and try to keep the "junk" food to a minimum in the house.  I also ask everyone (my husband and both of my daughters) every day if they would like to work out with me or join me for a walk or a bike ride and they usually do (at least 1 of them does at any given time).  As far as the weight goes, I understand that she was 12 two years ago, but so were all of her friends and she has gained a lot more than all of them and that is very upsetting to her.  If I was the type of mom that harped on my daughter or made an issue of her weight I would not be sending this post out.  The whole reason that I am asking for help is so that I want to deal with this very delicate issue in the best possible manner so that she feels supported and encouraged without feeling bad about herself.  If I could take all of the weight that she wants to lose and put it on myself I would (and that is saying a lot for a person who has spent the last year working very hard to lose weight), but I obviously cannot do that.  I love her so very very much and I know how she feels and it breaks my heart to watch her struggle with her self esteem.  I just want some advice, not for people to assume that I am the bad guy here.  Thanks for the advice thinthought.  A race for the cure sounds like a great idea!  I will look into it.

 First of all, I want to be clear that I don't think you're a bad guy. I know that you're just concerned for your daughter and want her to feel her best and be healthy.

That said:

"She was always a healthy weight until she hit the 7th grade.  Then I think a combination of hormones, insecurities (typical for her age), lack of physical activity (typical for her age) and love of food made her overweight.  She is not actually overweight, but she is getting close to it and has become VERY self conscious of her appearance.  She is 5'5"  medium boned and weighs 140 lbs.  She is very toned (good genes from her dad's side), but does need to lose weight. "

Was part of your original post, and directly contradicts the post I quoted above.

It sounds like she's on the right path. What she needs, and wants from you (speaking as someone barely out of their teen years) is positive reinforcement. She wants you to celebrate her successes, and reinforce that she's beautiful no matter what.

You asked for advice, and in my personal opinion, losing weight is something that you have to decide to do for YOURSELF, and I'm just being honest in saying that I didn't like my mother involving herself in MY weight. And I WAS overweight.

EDIT: Pretty much, I agree with everything gi_jane said. Especially about the 'finding a fun activity'--my mom would make me go walking with her and I would be bored to tears. It doesn't bother me now but as a young teen, I HATED it for some reason.

I think at that age, you need to keep the word "diet" as far away as possible. it truly needs to be a lifestyle change. No kid wants to say they're on a diet & they're likely to run off screaming in the other direction.
Focus on eating healthier & smaller portions.

Personally, my advice is to cook with her. Make your family meals TOGETHER. Go shopping together & check out the healthier options [whole wheat vs. white, baked vs. fried, etc]. There are so many healthy recipes that are fun to make, & she'll be learning while she's having fun, plus kids are far more likely to eat something they had a hand in making.

But, because of what you've said, I definitely want you to watch her closely. Make sure she's eating enough. Make sure she doesn't go down the starvation path & become obsessive or anything. That's why I'd shy against having her count calories- no 14 year old should be doing that. But if you cook healthier options, she will ultimately be consuming less calories.

Remember, nothing too drastic. She's at a very vulnerable age & things could get out of hand, so just keep that in mind.

P.S. I'm 18, so I guess I'm providing the teen perspective for you =]

I haven't been a teen in a very long time, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was a very self-conscious, sensitive girl and always felt overweight (though i realize through looking a pictures of myself back then, and estimating bmi from weights listed in my diary entries, I was never actually overweight....just built more curvy and solidly than many of my peers). My mother, being a sweet and loving person, wanted to help me so much...I cried that I felt/looked/was being teased about being fat, so she wanted to help me lose weight.

This started me on a two-decade cycle of yo-yo dieting and other unhealthy food habits and associations. It breaks my heart that I was so beautifully healthy and had no idea.

The best thing my mom could have done for me was tell me I was beautiful just the way I was, that people are are built differently and that I was just right, etc. Having her "help" me try to lose weight just reinforced that there was something wrong with me that needed changing.  My self-esteem was in need of attention, not my weight. Of course it's important to support healthy eating habits, and encourage physical activity, if you cook together and excersize together that is the best thing for her. Stop worrying about her weight, it sounds like she is just fine! If she's anything like I was, she needs help with her self-image and self-esteem and your opinion is the one that matters most (even if she doesn't show it).

 

I apologize in advance for this being so long.

As a teen, I know how your daughter feels. In 7th grade my mom started to diet, eating 1200 a day. At the time I was 136 pounds at 5'1" so I was well on my way to becoming overweight. I started to diet too, on 1200 calories, like my mom. That was mistake #1. The second mistake was eating all the wrong food. My meals were unbalanced, a lot of processed foods and barley any lean meats, fruits or veggies. I didn't care about nutritional value, just the calories. Eventually I got to 125 pounds but I got stuck there.

The beginning of 8th grade I somehow managed to drop 2 more pounds, which I was happy about. But somewhere along the line I just started gorging myself on everything. I'd ate huge amounts of food at a time and I couldn't stop. I was gaining weight, obviously, and I was miserable. I tried starving myself for days at a time, eating nothing but still exercising. The next day my over eating was worse than normal but I continued that cycle. Then I found a new way, purging. It didn't work very well at all. I was up to 140-145. It took me 5 months to change.

I started counting calories again this time having 1300- still not enough- and eating much better than I did the first time, but still not as good as I could be. When I got to 127 I got my metabolism checked and it was -12% slow. The nutritionist suggested I eat 1500, so I did. Now I'm 122 pounds. I eat limited processed foods and a lot more healthy food. I feel much better and slowly I'm gaining confidence. I used to have 0 confidence but I'm getting better.

As for what I look for out of my mom... I look to her to buy me the proper foods so I can be healthy. (I'm the healthiest one in the house, the others eat a lot of crap.) It's nice when she goes on walks with me because I get lonely walking by myself. She also keeps the scale away from me until my next weigh in day (every Monday) because if it's higher I still get really emotional and depressed, like I was when I was 140. It's very triggering to see all the fluctuates, even if I know what they are.

So bacically make sure she eats enough and make sure she eats healthy. Also make sure she dosn't get obsessed, I suggest the once a week on the scale thing. If she does fall off the wagon, help her back on again. Things like that.

I get to go back and get my metabolism checked again when I hit 115, so we'll see how that goes. If your daughter wants a friend to talk to on her, I'd be happy to help her out.

 

 

Its been a few years since I was a teen but I struggle with these same issues. My mom didn't help matters she would make comments about how my clothes made me look bigger, which was horrifing to hear from her. Plus all she bought was junk food, chips soda snack cakes. I also had to eat lunch at school because she didn't buy things to pack a lunch. I am 25 and I have been struggling with my weight since I was 13.

1 very important thing to reassure your daughter about, EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.  My best friend was very petite and I was very tall and I am built bigger. I look back and wish that I could have spent less of those teen years obssed about this.

2nd thing to remember is that it is normal to see a weight gain around puberty. Ask your doctor, that is not abnormal. Her friends may just not show it as much because of there build. But even still some girls are just naturally small.

I think having gone through this as a teen I would say that you as a mom can only support her. If she asks for help, you should help her. Encourage her to pack a lunch and provide her with healthy things.

I fear that in about 9 years I will be going through this myself. I have a four year old that is on the heavier side. I have just talked to the doctor about the concerns, without her being present, and am now teaching her the difference between junk food and food that will help her grow up to be healthy. I never talk about my diet with her because it is more than that, its a lifestyle makeover. I am not only eating healthy but my whole family is eating healthy.

Just keep the d word out of your conversations and don't mention her size. Those are very hurtful things to hear from the one person that you want to make proud in your life.

I wish you both luck and I hope that everything works out well for the both of you. I think you are doing the right thing by asking for help in this!

I'm 16, and deciding to start dieting has been one of the most rewarding decisions for me. I feel incredibly lucky to have my mother and father encouraging me and helping me along the way.

My mom is also dieting, and we love to make healthy meals together. It's been a really great way for us to bond-- we'll look through Cooking Light and other magazines and cookbooks, pick recipes that look fun, and then cook them. We have become really focused on eating organic foods and locally grown foods, and have joined our local CSA which delivers tons or lettuce and greens every week.

My dad is also being really cool, and has been going to the gym with me and loggng his calories as well.

I feel lucky to be dieting along with my parents and making healthy choices in terms of eating. While I am focused on logging calories (what can I say... CC is really addicting!), I am also having a lot of fun just spending more time in the kitchen and at the gym.

Hope this helped! And good luck to your daughter, sounds like you two will have a lot of fun cooking and eating well together!

I don't really have the teen perspective you're looking for, but I do have a thought.

Check out what the fancier restaurants in your area are serving. See if you can chat with the chefs or manager about the calorie levels of their entres, desserts, etc. What I have noticed is that these nicer, more expensive restaurants have healthier portion sizes, rely less on high calorie carbs, use more veggies and use herbs and spices for flavor over fatty options. Go to the fancy restaurant every once in a while for whatever reason you think of (or no reason at all - good food is a reason all by itself). Use the trips to inspire home cooking.

Doing this helped put the nail in the coffin of (most) of my unhealthy eating habits. Be a food snob. As my best friend says, "Just because I'm a snob doesn't mean I'm wrong."

As for exercise, no idea how to help other than maybe ask her if she could be your workout buddy because you need help staying on the wagon.

Good luck!

Edited to add: someone suggested dance as an activity...  at her age she'd be far behind her age group in a lot of disciplines.  Be very careful to stay away from something that's competitive unless/until she shows some talent that could make up for her lack of experience.  It's very discouraging to be even 2 or 3 years behind your age group (personal experience), she'd be at something like 7 - 9 years behind.  Stick to activities she can grow into as an adult (running, swimming, etc).

I think that everyone had good advice. 

The ones that I would do are:

1. Make sure it's her idea and keep up the support.
2. You are in control of the food in the house.  Get rid of junk food, have good healthy snacks, and prepare healthy meals.
3. Do fun active activities for the family or just the two of you to do.  Like swimming , or bike riding, roller skating/roller blading, hiking, walks, tennis, racquetball, aerobics, skiing
4. When she hits miles marks, celebrate!  Maybe getting a new cute pair of jeans or special time spent with mom.   Being that you lost so much, you know how exciting it is when all your hard work pays off!

I agree with most of what's been said here. You are definitely trying to do what's best for her, but as someone who was recently a teenager myself, I find it unnerving to have my mom talk about my diet or my size at all - even to encourage me. What is helpful is to buy healthier foods (sometimes I'll be trying to limit my intake and she decides she's craving cake and bakes three), and compliment her - but not on her weight. Make her feel proud  of herself in other areas that she can control (I second the dance or music or singing classes), and she'll be less obsessed with the way she looks. My weight fluctuated a bit the whole time I was a teenager, but I never got overweight. As long as she's healthy, I'd say the less she's thinking about the way she looks and what she eats, the better.

Def research fun new healthy recipes together.

Teen years are always hard- someone isn't growing fast enough while another is growing too fast (in their minds) you've prob already done it, but if she brings it up, explain how everybody grows at a different rate and has different shapes (she already knows, I am sure, but reinforce it)....

Also, compliment her on her tone and muscles and strength

II was a skinny kid up until about 5th grade, and then between 5th and 7th grade i chubbed up. I think this is relatively normal for kids. Rather than putting her on a diet encourage her to be more active. Dieting for young girls is a terrible mistake because it can have serious effects on developing. I remember being completely embarrassed about talking about my weight when i was that age so i recommend being VERY subtle with how you go about it. Maybe you and her can do active stuff together? Go on hikes, long walks, go swimming, etc. I know that when i do stuff with other people its less of a "work out" and more of a good time. Also! i recommend cooking with her, make eating healthy fun and a learning experience, my mother did that with me.

lack of physical activity (typical for her age)

I'm not at all trying to be mean, but who told you this was typical for her age? they were definitely lying. I'm 17 and remember being incredibly active at 14 with all my friends. Playing sports every season and riding our bikes or walking everywhere since we couldn't drive. I'm the same height as your daughter and about 105-115 varying, so I Understand your daughter wanting to come down from 140, although I am small boned unlike her I think you said... lol Anyway, if your daughter wants to lose weight, make her more active because if she lacks physical activity at such a young age she needs to get up and do things. That alone will help her lose weight, so you don't have to talk to her about dieting. Go for family walks after dinner or have her try out for a sport or something.

That wasn't ment to be harsh lol, sorry if it came across that way.

Losing weight isn't going to make your daughter happier. If she is toned, it is not her body that needs work; it is her self esteem. As a parent, it is your job to help her to realize what an amazing your woman she is growing up to be. Give her the tools, but let her hold the reigns.

If you are trying to enforce healthier eating habits instead, just make healthier meals for the entire family. If you cook healthy meals and keep healthy snacks in the house - what is she going to eat? The healthy snacks!

You love your daughter, and the greatest act of love you can do for her is to stop.  Stop worrying, stop trying to fix, stop trying to help.  You can not make this better for her and your recognition or focus on her weight may make it worse, validating her belief that there is something wrong with her body.

I understand you don’t want her to experience the same body issues you have dealt with, but by projecting the negative of your experience being overweight on her, she most likely already is.

All the advice people gave above was excellent.  Role model a healthy lifestyle for her.   Many of us have weight issues because we did not have a positive healthy role model parent, and so we wound up having those same food issues.  This does not require any invasion of her life on your part, just you being strong and healthy. 

This is a great script on how to talk to someone about weight, being able to validate them without encouraging their negative thoughts.  Replace sister with daughter, and it's a perfect scenario:

When your sister says: I hate my thighs—you're so lucky you didn't get Mom's legs.
Your automatic response: Don't be silly. Your thighs are fine.
A better response: I don't think there's anything wrong with your thighs, but I know how you feel. I used to obsess over my arms, and then I realized I was wasting a lot of energy on something I couldn't do much about. Now I do push-ups a couple of times a week and leave it at that. Do you think maybe pants with a different cut would make you feel better? We could go shopping next week and then see the show at that new gallery downtown.
(This kind of empathetic answer acknowledges your sister's feelings, offers a potential solution, then shifts the conversation to a new topic.)

 

This is just going to echo what some people have already said, but speaking from experience, I gained quite a bit of weight around that age as I hit puberty.  I was very inactive and didn't eat very healthily, but my mom encouraged me to join a swim team.  I was skeptical, but I did it, and I found I LOVED it.  I was one of the slowest on the team, lol, but I made some awesome friends and my progress from the beginning of the summer to the end was amazing.  While I was huffing and puffing to swim one lap at the beginning, by the end I could swim for miles like it was nothing.  Plus, the weight just fell off and I didn't even have to think about it.  I developed muscles and had energy like never before, and I didn't even have to change my diet.  So my point is, getting her involved in something that's fun AND active is a great way to help her tone up and/or lose weight without even mentioning the word "diet."  Then, if you're cooking healthy along with the added exercise, she will look and feel like a new person.  Hope this helps!

Sunshine, I have a 13 year old DD who could do with a little bit of toning, not that I'd ever say that to her.

So I recruited her as my exercise buddy... I can stick to the exercise program better when I have someone to do it with, so it works for both of us.  She thinks she's helping me (which she is) but at the same time I'm helping her.  She loves that she gets to spend special time with me.

As a mom I do the shopping and I can control what food is bought, and what's available for snacking on.  Thankfully we're not much of a junk food loving family, but we have started eating healthier, like replacing white flour pastas with wholewheat pasta, whole wheat bread, more veggies for dinner instead of more starches, and so on.  My whole family is benefiting.

As a family we discuss healthier food options, what's okay in moderation, what comprises a healthy meal and so on... you may not think kids are really listening, but you'd be surprised.

Self esteem can be improved upon by sincere, well thought out compliments, not just on her appearance, but her as a person.  Everyone wants to know they're valued, needed and good at something.