Health & Support

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for....maybe someone that's been through something similar...I'm not sure.

I used to be obese, 240 pounds in 8th grade. My mom was mean to me, told me I was fat when I was in 2nd grade. She made me do situps every day, before school and after school, 50 of them. She took me to a nutritionist. I was aware that I was fat from then on.

When I got to be obese, she really really really harmed me emoitionally...she called me disgusting, she didn't want to be around me, she said I was useless, etc. I did eventually lose the weight by myself, all 95 lbs of it. But I became so afraid of gaining it back that I became annorexic. Then she continued to call me disgusting, unloveable, etc. This was in 11th grade.

When college came around, my mom refused to help me pay for it after I got all the scholarships I could (she only had to LOAN me 2000 bucks to go). She kicked me out. With nowhere to go, I stayed with some friends for a while, and they loaned me the money to go to college (I have since paid them back).

I recently called certain people at my dad's job and told him some stuff about my family (there' a LOT more to my family, my sister was put in and out of mental institutions, my mom's threatened suciide many times, my dad has too, my mom emotionally abused all of us, etc)

I've dealt with self-harm issues that I wasn't even aware of. I thougth self\-harm was limited to CUTTING, as in seeing blood. I didn't realize, as I beat my legs with my fists and sat in the corner beating my head and my face that that was also self-harm. I don't know why it didn't occur to me.

I also, OBVIOULSY, have issues with food. I gained 40 lbs this freshman year, and I feel like an ABSOLUTE failure. I just dont' know waht to do. I work 2 jobs right now, during the summer, at 70 hours a week and I'm jsut TIRED and alone and trying to get over my eating issues. During the school year, I take all honors classes and I work 40 hours a week. I also run (and founded) the vegetarian club here on campus.

Is there anyone out there that can help me? I just don't know anymore. I'm so miserable. I don't know if I'll ever get over this.

OMG, I am appalled by the abuse you have suffered.

I have no expertise whatsoever regarding abuse issues.  All I can say is there are a lot of good people out there.  Hang in there, keep asking for help, perhaps counseling at college, perhaps someone here at CC can refer you to qualified help.

But please don't give up on yourself.  You are a good person.  You are a valuable person.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am so sorry for what you've had to go through. I really think (and hope) that you should speak to someone professional in order to help you work through it. The people here are for the most part not even qualified to give advice about such deep-rooted issues at all, and those who are aren't qualified to do so through an online exchange. I would hate for someone to steer you wrong by giving a bad suggestion. :-(

I don't have health insurance so i can't talk to anyone professionally.

Look into seeing if your school provides personal counciling.

If not there are a few other options such as a local church clergyperson or AlAnon.

It sounds like your mother was battling her own demonsand took it out on you.

I congratulate you on surviving such a childhood.  Remember that you are not your parents.  You will find a way to deal with this and maybe even to forgive you parents one day.

I am so sorry to hear about these things. So I think its wonderful that you have the courage to seek help. If you do some research you may find that your community offers counseling at a discounted rate or even free. I know in my community there is a counseling center that does offer services to people without insurance. If you look around you should be able to find some help. There are also support groups for this sort of thing. PLEASE, PLEASE, look into this. I know you can find something in your area. There is no reason for you to go on being so miserable. You deserve happiness. Putting your childhood behind you is not possible on your own you have to get help.

Hi.  First of all, you are not alone!  I was just reading your request for help.  I just wish I could give you a big hug, but that would be hard through cyberspace.  I found this website which you may find helpful.  I agree with spoiled candy--you can probably get free support at a local church.

I gained a lot of weight my first year of college, too.  I joined this site at 35 because I really liked the food log and analysis.  This is helping me to focus on making good choices.  It sounds like you are making good choices now, which is great. 

Honestly, it sounds like you're putting too much pressure on yourself.  I am humbled by how hard you are working and studying.  For that you must take great satisfaction!!!   

I want to encourage you to keep doing what you know is good for your body and not to focus on times that you fail.  You are a precious person who will be able to help many people who have survived similar abuse one day.  I will be praying for you!

http://www.walking-wounded.net/index.html

Hi there.  I am extremely concerned as all the posters are who have responded to you thus far. 

One of my major concerns is your posting name haharape.  You have taken a very brave step by just writing down your feelings for others to see.  I know how hard that is.  I have, I think, been in your shoes.  Please feel free to message me if you would like, no problem if you don't want to.

First you should definitely check out  what gpm and spoiledcandy suggested regarding your University's Health Center; this was always a great place for me when I was in school.  Trust me, I can't even remember the face, let alone the name of the person I talked to when I first went there!  It's a good thing! 

Best of luck with everything.  We are all here if you need anything!

 

hi, i too am very sorry for the **** you'v gone through. i can relate to some of it including self harm. has anyone ever mentioned the term  Borderline Personality Disorder? (excuse the name its a terrible one.)

its a problem that arises wher some one (becaus of early childhood trauma (me, possibly you?) or jus genetics) has very very intense emotions and these emotions are not "validated" by the people who surround us. sort of like a kid saying to his mum after dinner that he's hungry and she says "no your not'', when he may well be, thats what he's feeling and its being ignored and cast aside and he  prob got shouted at and felt bad for it (like HE'd done something wrong)

 the same happens with emotion, and perhaps when you were hurting incredibly inside, your mum (the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally) sed some totally horriffically awful awful things. this coupled with an extremely sensitive "feelings button" jus causes too much pain and u run out of resources to deal with the pain and turn it in on urself.

ppl with this disorder often have eating disorders, thieving probs  poor impulse control, depression etc. and a load of other stuff goin on..... i felt like i was in a washing machine. i felt empty, alone, betrayed...... so much muddled up stuff and the only relief was pain

people like this also tend to inhibit emotion (they wont let themsleves feel it, because they think subconsciously that they are wrong ) and choose to numb it out by causing physical pain with self harm (which means ANY inflicted wounds burns bruising etc) and  throught starvation or purging.

there is a type of program that can help, though its very new.

this is a very difficult prob to treat, coz "normal" people think of it as attention seeking, and laziness. this is not the case.... your feelings and pain are just bigger that your coping tools. BUT it can be treated with hard work (im busting my arse at the moment with it)

 the program is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. google it. its about teaching Distress tolerance skills, and finding hope to Build a life worth living. its not easy, its quite intense and sad and scary. but nothings worse than wher you're coming from.

also google Borderline personality disorder. MANY people and professionals used shun this prob coz it was so so hard to treat. but a lot of work has ben done on it recently and ther are really hopeful signs.

feel free to mail me, iv ben to hell and back ( and im still here... jus about !!) but it really really helps to know some one who gets it!!

good luck, keep breathing.

Hey,

What country do you live in?  I know that Canada and the United States have YMCAs, and somebody at one of those might be able to direct you to a shelter or somewhere that you could go for free help.  How much about all this do the friends who loaned you college money know?  Could they help you find help?  I would think that as a student supporting yourself, you must be eligible for some sort of health insurance type deal.  Also, as others have said, check out what your college health center has to offer.  Do you have a phone?  Wherever you are, there should be 1-800 (or the equivalent) numbers which you can call for support.  Good luck!

I DID NOT REALIZE THAT MY USERNAME LOOKED LIKE THAT.

 

I literally came up with it by using 'hahar' and then 'ape' (wow, i am STUPID)

Can I change it?

Thank you all for the advice. I think I'll start with the counelor on campus and go from there.

I appreciate everything, thank you so much!